


C Is For...

by JenSpinner



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Birthdays, Bucket List, Cancer, Carer Dean, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dean Loves Disney, Dean Sings, Dean and Castiel are not clueless, Dean is a Sweetheart, Falling In Love, Fast Cars, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Good Parental Figures, Human Castiel, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Men Crying, Pain, Police, Recreational Drug Use, Sad Ending, Sharks, Snakes, Terminal Illnesses, This work is Grammarly checked, Travel, crocodiles - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-27 13:25:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 24,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15025571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenSpinner/pseuds/JenSpinner
Summary: Health expert and dietician Castiel has just been told he has two years to live...He plans to make the most of it.





	1. The Countdown Begins

His eye's closed, and a stinging tear spilled over the lid, crashing down his cheek...

"You died on a Monday. Just another Monday, in a sea of days we'd spent together, a day that was neither special nor stood out, just... a Monday. It was neither sunny or raining, not hot or cold... It was like the world knew, it was losing something that day and that the loss made it that little bit less special, it wasn't dark or stormy... it was just... dull. Dull, without you.

I use to try to believe that everything happened for a reason, but I don't, not anymore. I don't think I met you, because some higher power wanted us to meet. I don't believe it was written in the stars. I think I met you because I got lucky. I think meeting you, was what made me the luckiest person in the world...

You seemed to lend your energy to whatever you touched, making the most mundane things shine. You made me shine, you gave me confidence when I had none, you made me, unafraid..."

He pushed himself forward, feeling the rush of air against his face as he began to fall...  

 

Roughly Eighteen Months Earlier...

Castiel ran the edge of the page through his thumb and finger, eyes misted over, gaze unfocused. The wind danced through the leaves of the tree outside his window, causing him to look up, the movement shocking the tears from his eyes. He felt the wetness spread down his face as he looked at the sunlight on the tree, shading some leaves dark green, and lighting some up. He spent a moment examining those leaves, he'd seen them every day since he'd moved in, but had he ever really looked at them before?

Now that his days were numbered, everything seemed so much more important, the fine details of nature that had gone unnoticed before were so much more beautiful now. He looked down to his desk again, picking up the pen beside his hand. He blinked out another tear and pressed the pen to the top of the pad of paper. Narrowing his eyes.

He twirled the pen in his hand for a few moments... Then with a slight shaking of his head, he began to write...

'Cancer?'

He repeated the word, over and over, the writing had started out neatly but quickly became large and angry, until Castiel was pressing down so hard the indents of that word would be visible through at least the next four pages. As his hot angry tears splashed on to the page, mixing with the ink, the pen snapped in his hand...

"Fucking CANCER!" He threw the broken pen across the room and stood up with such force the chair he was sat at tipped backward and hit the ground. He paced back and forth across the room, his thoughts spilling from his lips in his rage...  
"Cancer? Really? Are you fucking kidding me? I don't smoke, I don't drink... I am the fucking picture of health... HOW THE FUCK CAN I HAVE CANCER. They must have made a mistake, they must have... This is not happening, not to me"

He kicked the base of his couch as he passed "Fucking cancer... Yeah right" He looked up out of the window, briefly entertaining the idea of there being a 'God' "Think you're funny, don't you, this is all a big fucking joke to you! Well, this is my life" He shouted, slamming his own finger into his chest in emphasis "This is MY life! And I won't let you take me! You fucker! I won't let you! I will fight you on this every God damn step of the way, you'll have to fucking drag me away kicking and bloody screaming..."

His voice croaked slightly, and he rubbed his hands over his face, allowing himself to fall to his knees beneath the window... "Please..." He cried looking up through wet eyes to the sky "I'm not ready" The words came out as a cracked whisper. He folded in on himself and leaned his body forward, until his forehead rested against his soft carpet, hands up covering his nose and mouth as he sobbed.

After a few minutes, he sat back on his ankles, feet braced against the floor. He wiped his eyes and sniffed. Rising to his feet, he walked to his kitchen, he opened his fridge, bottled water, salad, precooked chicken, low fat, omega three, low salt, low, low, low... zero percent. His lip twitched, he opened a drawer next to him and pulled out a shopping bag, putting the entire contents of his fridge into the bag carefully.

He picked up his car keys and left his apartment, he dropped the bag of food off at a nearby shelter for the homeless and then pulled up at his local supermarket. He walked over to the ATM and put his card in, fingers hovering over the amount for a moment before he said a silent 'Fuck it' and entered the amount of two hundred dollars. He got the largest size shopping trolley and then headed into the store.

Muttering to himself quietly as he passed by the bottled water aisle "Not today, always drank enough water, eight glasses a day for God knows how many years a fat lot of good it did me... Nope, today we'll be going for something a little stronger" He arrived in the alcohol aisle... He'd never really drunk before, champagne at Christmas with his folks, but not much else. He walked down the aisle, looking at all the different shaped bottles, the different colored liquids... Frowning as he saw some bright blue and bright green drinks. He picked them up and read the labels 'Sourz'... He shrugged and put both bottles in his trolley, before turning and seeing the beers that Balthazar use to drink. He wondered where his friend was now, maybe he should try to re-connect with him... Before it's too late or was that cruel? Castiel shook the thought from his head and grabbed a case of beer.

Before reaching the checkout, Castiel had stocked up his trolley with all the things he never allowed himself to eat, as a professional dietician he knew that his trolley was basically a heart attack waiting to happen... But what did it matter now? He wanted to try everything... Cheese, burgers, sausages, pizzas, chips, dips, candy, ice cream, cakes, sodas and much more, he paid, loaded his car and drove home.

He re-stocked his fridge with his shopping and then examined the blue bottle of Sourz he'd bought, he opened it and took a tentative sip. Oh, that was vile, he looked at the bottle again, then he took a longer swig... Shrugging.

An hour later and his stomach was turning like a stormy sea, his thoughts were foggy as the alcohol soaked into his brain like a sponge soaking up a spillage, he was sat at his table, a new pen in his hand, the half drank bottle of blue stuff and an empty can of beer next to him as he began to write, his fingers were not cooperating and his handwriting was sloppy as he wrote...

The headline, scruffy and going over two lines on the page, read 'My Fuck-it List' (Once he sobered up, he would re-write this list, with the title 'My Bucket List').

He wrote out a list, things he wanted to do, food he wanted to try, places he wanted to go, at the very bottom of the page, and after chewing the end of his pen for almost three straight minutes, he scribbled one last note before the pen slipped from his hand and he passed out, head sinking down into his arm which was swung out in front of him on the table...

'Not to be alone'.


	2. Dear Father

  
The next day, after his hangover breakfast of cold pizza, Castiel got a quick shower and got dressed. He stood in the middle of his living room looking around him, expensive paintings, impersonal furniture, he'd never really noticed before but his apartment was very dull... Grey. He pulled his phone from his pocket, it was time to make the phone call he'd been putting off since yesterday morning... He'd walked into that doctor's office, with his whole life ahead of him, and walked out with an estimated two years max left to live...

"Hey Dad"

Chuck Novak's voice sounded cheerful as he greeted his son "Hey, son! It's good to hear from you! How are you?"

Deep breath, hold and release... "Dad... I've got some news"

"Okay?" Chucks voice waviered with uncertainty

"Can you sit down?"

"Castiel... What's wrong?"

Castiel listened to his father's broken sobs as he explained what his doctor had told him; Cancer, terminal. He told him he was refusing treatment, he told him how long they thought he had left... The whole tragic story. Chuck Novak's shaky breaths could be heard long after Castiel had finished talking. Castiel was now sat on the floor, his forehead against his knees, the phone to his ear as he and his dad stayed with one another on the call in silence for almost ten full minutes, both catching quiet sobs from the other every so often...

"Are you coming home Castiel?" His father asked eventually

Castiel smiled sadly "I will come and see you dad, you and Hannah. But I have a lot to do, and... Well, not a whole lot of time to do it in. I want to go traveling, see the world"

"Not on your own Castiel, not ill" Came Chucks concerned voice

"No, not on my own. I am going to hire a carer, someone with some medical knowledge, to travel with me. I am going to get as much done as I can..." Castiel sniffed and smiled "Expect lots of postcards"

"Screw postcards," Said Chuck with a firm but friendly tone "I'll get you one of those go-pro camera's, I want to see what you get up to, boy"

Castiel sniffed and chuckled "Yes Dad, and I promise, I will fly down to see you, I may stay a while over Christmas?"

"Yes," Said Chuck "Yes, good! We'll sort everything, set up your room..." Chuck trailed off "Castiel?"

"Yes?"

"I... I, I love you son"

Castiel's face crumpled and dissolved into a wet mess of tears again "I love you too, I, I have to go now... I'll be in touch, I promise" He hung up quickly, his shaky breathing making further words to difficult to form anyway. He let his head fall back and blew out a breath. Wiping his face with one hand and putting his phone in his pocket with the other.

"Fuck cancer," He said pushing himself up off the floor, he walked over to his fridge and took out can of soda, he opened the can, and took a deep swig, letting the cool liquid soothe his cried dry throat as he tried not to think about death.

Ten minutes later, he pulled his phone from his pocket, his fathers name flashing up as a text came through. He opened his phone and read...

'Castiel, I've wired you your wedding fund, and I may have topped it off a little bit. I love you VERY MUCH. Live every day to it's fullest. Give 'um hell kid. Dad x'

Castiel frowned and then, pulled up his online banking app. He gasped as he saw that three hundred thousand dollars had dropped into his account, taking his total to around a half million, and he'd already decided he was going to sell his paintings...

Or he had... Now he was considering donating them...

***

Over the next three days, Castiel's apartment was almost stripped bare, he'd kept his kitchen, a sofa, and his bed. Almost everything else had been sold or donated, he didn't want to waste time at home in front of the Tv, he had kept his laptop though, and was reading up on experience days and bucket list ideas. He'd also placed an ad online for a carer/travel companion. 

He'd already crossed a couple of items off his list too, so he was feeling very productive. 

\- Get so drunk you're sick

\- Then start drinking again

"Done and done" Castiel had slurred as he'd checked the two items off his list, holding a flannel full of ice to his throbbing head... 

The next afternoon, because that was when he'd finally risen from his beer coma... He discovered a surprise by his front door.

He'd donated his paintings to a special needs school close by, they would sell them and use the funds to get the children some new learning materials. He was now stood, smiling through misty eyes as he opened a couple of dozen envelopes, colorful paintings done by the children from the school. Along with a letter of thanks from the headteacher.  

He pinned up every single picture and stood back to admire them... Colorful. He smiled. 


	3. Something New

Castiel swallows the sip of coffee, and wrinkles his nose at the taste, putting the cup back on the table, he pushes it away from him, picking up his pen and putting a tiny tick next to the word 'coffee' on his list, and then running a line through it. He looks back up to the man sat across from him.

"Trying something new?" The man asked with a small smile

"That's the idea," Said Castiel with a quick half smile "So you saw my ad?"

"Yeah," Said the man, readjusting his seat to get a little closer to the table.

"And you think this is something you would be interested in?" Asked Castiel

"I do. It was a pretty strange ad, and I have some questions, but yeah, I am interested"

"Well, I will of course answer any questions you may have, Mr. Winchester. But I do have a few of my own first..." Castiel paused and the man nodded, so he went on "First name?"

"Dean"

"Age?"

"Thirty"

"Current employment?"

"I work at a garage part time, I was doing a health course at University but I had to cut out when I lost my night job, the bar I was working at closed down. I also volunteer at Shelton's hospice, every other weekend"

"So you were training to be a nurse?" Asked Castiel

"That's the dream" Said Dean smiling

"Good" Castiel wrote 'training to be a nurse' under Dean's name on his piece of paper "I know my ad was, vague at best... But I didn't want to use the title 'I have cancer', I figured it would scare some people off..."

"Not me," Said Dean, looking down for a moment before looking back up and meeting Castiel's eyes "I'm sorry about that by the way... is it..."

Castiel's face twitches "Terminal, yes. Not your fault Dean. Anyway, getting back to" He waves his hand over the papers "it. I've been given anywhere from eighteen months to two years. So this could be a two-year commitment, but for every six months you start, I will pay you thirty thousand dollars, if I die sooner, that money will still be yours. All going well, I will leave you recommendations too. I'll cover costs of the activities and travel when you are with me. You will need to buy your own food, clothes etc... You will be on call, pretty much every day, but you won't be needed every day"

Dean sat in silence as Castiel spoke.

"I have a bucket list, there will be travel involved, which may take us out of the country for weeks at a time" Castiel looked up at Dean

"Not a problem"

Castiel nodded, and looked down at his notes again "Would you say you are..." Castiel chewed his lip, trying to find the right word... He landed on and instantly regretted "Experimental?"

Dean huffed out a chuckle as Castiel's cheeks turned red.

"I just mean... I have things on my list, things that could be scary or dangerous, for example... Swimming with sharks"

Dean stops smiling and looks at Castiel in surprise "Really?"

"Yes"

"I'd be up for that" Said Dean enthusiastically "Can... Er... Can I see your list?"

Castiel tensed slightly, before sighing "Yes, I guess it would make sense to show you this now"

Dean took a piece of paper from Castiel and his eyes flew from side to side down the page as he read Castiel's bucket list...

"Ok, fast cars, shooting, sea fishing, swim with sharks, yup, yup, yup, ah er..." Dean looked up

"What?" Asked Castiel curious as to which item had caused Dean to pause "What is it?"

"Er... you've put 'get laid'" Said Dean looking up through his lashes

"Oh" Castiel relaxed "I don't mean... That's not..." He laughed "That's not a job requirement"

Dean smirked, but said nothing, going back to the list and reading down to the end... His face contorts a fraction at the last scribble, 'not to be alone'.

He chewed his thumbnail as he handed Castiel his sheet back "I'm good with all of them"

Castiel laughed internally at Dean having just agreed to sleep with him, clearly, he meant all but that one.

"Do you have an in date passport?" Asked Castiel

"Shit... No, it ran out last year"

"Not a problem, I wouldn't plan a trip straight away, we need to see if this is going to work first. We can get you the documents to get an updated one. Basically, Dean, I want someone with some medical experience, which you have... To come on an adventure with me... I'm not going to say this will be all fun and games, I am ill. There may be days when I treat you like shit, because I may feel that way, there may be days when I am too ill to do anything, I don't really know what will happen, I don't want to know... I want to do as much and see as much as I can in the time that I have left, but..."

"You don't want to do it alone" Said Dean softly

Castiel looked up at him "No" He said, licking his lips "No, I really don't. I am a dietician, I've written a couple of books, and I spent my days telling people what to eat and what not too, I always did everything by the book, healthy. Some of my friends in college got bored of me and we lost contact... I never... let loose, had fun... Whatever. I don't want to be remembered for being boring. So if you are still interested..." Castiel smiled at Dean, he had a good feeling about him "I'd like to hire you, to be my travel companion slash carer for the next six months"

Castiel and Dean shook hands. 


	4. Sweet and Sour

Castiel woke up the next day, the bright summer sun bursting in through the gap in his curtains. He smiled for a moment, still half asleep and coming out of a dream of candy apple eyes... Then he remembered. 

He huffed. Fighting the strong urge to stay in bed and wallow in his misery he got up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and stretching out his arms, a deep yawn turned into a harsh coughing fit as he struggled to balance out his breathing again. He squeezed his eyes shut and attempted to clear his throat. After a couple of attempts the tickle in his throat subsided, he rubbed his fingers over his chest, which now throbbed lightly on the inside. 

"Fuck off" He muttered pushing himself up off the bed, he walked to his bathroom to start his day.  

***

Castiel and Dean had exchanged numbers and Castiel had given Dean a contract to read and sign. He had a good feeling about Dean, but he wasn't stupid enough to hand over thirty thousand dollars without some kind of legal documents. 

Dean had agreed to do two trail days first, to see how they got along. The first day, or rather evening, was dinner.

"I know this is a bit weird, like... er"

"Like a date" Supplied Dean handing Castiel a menu, with a cheeky grin.

Castiel wrinkled his nose "I know, it's weird, I'm sorry. It's just that, for getting to know you purposes... this makes the most sense. Also, I believe I may start to lose my appetite at some point, so I wanted to get through as many of the food items as possible, do you like Chinese?"

"Castiel," Said Dean lowering his own menu "This is fine, this is your list, your time. It's fine, really. And yeah, I love Chinese food, my favorite and therefore what I recommend is crispy duck pancakes with plum sauce, sweet and sour chicken with egg fried rice and... prawn toast. Oh and seaweed" Dean looked around, eyes searching for a waiter "Ok, now I'm hungry" He turned back to and smiled at Castiel 

Castiel tilted his head at looked at Dean "Me too, I'll have that... Exactly what you just said" He felt some of his tension lift and smiled at Dean.

Once they had flagged down a waiter and ordered, Dean took a sip of his water before asking...

"So, really... You've never had Chinese food before?" 

"I have not" Castiel smiled resting his hands on either side of his plate "Have I been missing out?"

"Well, I love the stuff," Said Dean "So I guess I am biased. What other foods are on your list? I only saw 'try new foods' when I read it?" 

Castiel blushed "I have a few lists, for items from the main list..." 

"Well organized" Smiled Dean

"Chinese, Indiana, English Breakfast, those are the main, dining out type ones, there are some other things, smaller items - such as Jaffa Cakes" 

"What the bloody hell is a Jaffa Cake?"

"It's an English thing, you can't get them here. Like a little cake with an orangey center... I want to go to London, see Big Ben... and eat Jaffa Cakes" Castiel shrugged in an adorable 'I know I'm weird' way and Dean just smiled back at him "I do have another question for you, that I should have already asked... this job will take a lot of your time..." 

Dean narrowed his eyes, a tiny smirk pulling at his lips "Yeah..?" 

"So, if you are involved with anyone, it may not be right for you, since we will be traveling away together" 

"You want to know if I'm single?" 

Castiel blushed but drew in a deep determined breath, Dean was gorgeous - there was no question, but he wasn't looking for anything like a relationship, sure if Dean wanted to fuck... Castiel would definitely be interested in that, but he knew he had trips in mind that could take up to two weeks at a time, he didn't want to drag Dean away from his partner, should he have one, for that long. He knew it would also be a distraction, and frankly, Castiel didn't have time enough to share it with some third wheel, nor did he want to be a third wheel himself... He knew it was slightly selfish, but he figured, he was dying - fucking sue him if he wants to be center of attention for a change... 

"Yes," He said looking back at Dean 

"I am" Said Dean easily "Been single for a couple of years, no kids, no pets, no prior commitments that I'm tied into, my uncle owns the garage I work at, he knows about this job, so I won't be leaving him in the lurch or anything like that. Free as a bird" 

"So you work with cars," Said Castiel thinking "What would you recommend for hiring out on a track for an afternoon?"   

Dean smiled "Ok, well I have been thinking about this since I saw it on your list... I would say, Aston Martin, Lamborghini or... Ferrari"

"Lamborghini was what I had in mind, I checked the weather forecast for Friday, sunshine all day" 

"Friday sounds good" Said Dean, practically bouncing in his seat with excitement "This is going to be so cool" 

"And Dean..." Said Castiel "The last lap will be a race, I don't want you to let me win, just because I'm sick" 

"Trust me Castiel, no one will be 'letting' anyone else win"  


	5. Gentlemen, Start Your Engines

Friday arrives and Castiel wakes up to the buzzing of his phone on the floor next to his bed, he reaches a hand over the side of the bed, face still buried in his pillow and hair sticking up at odd angles in its usual fashion. He blindly fumbles his fingers through the fuzz of the carpet until he finds his target, he brings the phone up to his face, still buzzing in his hands. Opening his eyes just a slither he squints at the name on the screen.

"Ugh. Dean?" He groans as he answers the call.

"Hey Castiel, sorry..." A pause "Did I wake you?" Another pause as Dean no doubt checks the time... "You realize it's almost eleven in the morning?" 

"It's not, is it?" Castiel pulls the phone away from his ear to look at the time, his brows raising in surprise to find that Dean is not wrong, he'd slept for almost twelve straight hours "Wow, ok it is" 

"I know, are you alright?" Asked Dean, sounding a little concerned.

"Fine, guess I just needed a good sleep" Castiel allowed himself a moment to ponder when the last time he had had a good nights sleep was, certainly not in the last week, each night he'd drunk himself into fitful, unrestful sleep's that had him back and forth from the bathroom several times an evening, either to be sick or relieve himself. Until last night, he'd skipped the beer so that he would be fit to drive, he'd taken a long hot bath, bubbles an all and gone to bed, dreaming of fast cars and long stretches of open road... "I actually feel better than fine," He said sitting up slowly "I'm not hungover" He chuckled. 

"Good, I don't want to beat you just because you crash your car at the starting line" Dean pauses to chuckle "Now get up. I'll be round in an hour to pick you up" And with that Dean hung up.

Castiel rubbed his hands over his eyes clearing them of his sleep's leftover fog "Up" He said to himself, as though instructing his legs.

***

"Wow," Says Castiel in a hushed voice running his fingers over the smooth surface of the car's sleek body. Dean's stood a few steps behind him nodding, eyes wide as he takes in the beauty of the two magnificent machines in front of him. Castiel turns to Dean "I mean, right?" 

"Oh yeah" Agree's Dean 

"I wonder, if there's a heaven and providing, of course, I am permitted entry... If I can have a car like this" Castiel smiles at Dean "I mean imagine having a beast like this, never having to stop for gas... Cause you know it's heaven, so it's magic" He chuckles "Nothing but open road in front of you, for far as the eye can see" 

Dean frowns "If heaven has magic, I wouldn't have a car"

"Why not?" Asks Castiel straightening up and looking at Dean

"Well, for one thing.." Dean looks up at the sun before returning his gaze to Castiel "I wouldn't fit in there with the epic set of wings I would have" 

Castiel tilted his head questioningly. 

"Flying, Castiel... I'd be too busy, being awesome and flying"  

Castiel smiled "But then where would you put your cd of the Crazy Frog tune?" 

Dean laughs "That was just for you, for today... Don't even act like that didn't get you all pumped up for this" 

***

"Gentlemen" A man from behind Castiel calls to get their attention "Have we decided who will be driving which?" 

"I'll take the green one," Says Castiel turning his face back to nod at Dean, before opening the green cars driving seat door and getting in. 

The man walks around to the passenger side as another man walks up to Dean, smiling at him. 

"Ready?" 

"Hell yeah," Says Dean enthusiastically getting into his car. 

Castiel sits back in the seat, eyes closed. 

"Just a second," He says to the man sitting next to him "Just want to remember this" He presses his back into the seat, firm sponge but comfortable. He takes a deep breath in through his nose, the car smells new, it smells expensive, leathery. He grips the steering wheel under both hands, sturdy. He opens his eyes, pulls his seatbelt across his chest and turns to the man who'd allowed him his moment... "Ok, I'm ready" 

The man smiled "She is a beaut isn't she" 

Castiel nodded "She is that"  

 

***

Two laps, Castiel in front and Dean following. Castiel's driving partner, giving him plenty of tips and instructions on when to slow down, speed up, change gear, etc. 

On the third lap, he really felt he was getting the hang of it, he was given less advise and mostly left to it. Only gently reminded of things on a few occasions. It was amazing, he could feel the road under the car, he could feel the power of the engine and hear her proud growl as she flashed along the track like lightning. 

He could feel it, speed. Suddenly it was as though it was just him and the road, he wondered if he drove fast enough, could he outrun death? No. Not going there. Not right now, he wanted to be here, in the moment. Living! 

He shifted gear, and felt the smooth road surface beneath the tires, as though they were an extension of himself. Flawless... This car was flawless, hell if the instructor wasn't sat next to him, he might never give it back.

Lap after lap, minute after minute... Just him and the road. No one telling him how long he had left. No one crying. No one looking at him with that hollow pity in their eyes.  

He was brought back to reality when his driving partner finally broke the silence "The last lap is coming up, you wanted it timed, yes?" 

"Yeah" Said Castiel eyes narrowing at the road. This was it, his and Dean's race. He saw Dean slow down and pull to the outer lane, out of the way. Ideally, Castiel would have liked to have raced the old fashioned way, but considering he and Dean were not professional race car drivers, and considering the cost of the cars... It wasn't surprising the race was by time. 

"Clocks starting..." Castiel's partner was staring out his window, waiting for them to pass the tower "Now!" 

Castiel drove, as fast as he dared... Relishing the slight turn of his stomach in excitement, at the sped. As he crossed the finish line, he saw Dean taking off on his own last lap... He pulled off the track and watched from beside the car, his eyes following Dean's car as he drove, right up to him pulling up beside him. 

Dean got out of the car. Glanced at Castiel and they both turned to face Castiel's driving partner who was holding a hand to his ear and waiting for the watchtower to tell him who'd won, through his ear piece.  

"Well..." He said finally "There was only four seconds difference between your times," He smiled looking between them "The winner... is Castiel" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research for this chapter took me to Youtube... 
> 
> Supercar Driving Experience - Lamborghini Gallardo
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUhMmWtgtkw


	6. Shark Bait

"How about snacks and a movie tonight?" Asked Dean his eyes twinkling with mischief

"What did you have in mind?" Asked Castiel, he glanced back at Dean and scoffed as his eyes landed on a brand new copy of '47 meters down'... "You have a sick sense of humor, Mr. Winchester"

Dean chuckled "I'll take that as a no... How about..." His voice trailed off as he reached back into his bag...

"If that's Jaws, you can just show yourself out now" Laughed Castiel. He tilted his head and rolled his eyes with fondness as Dean held up 'Finding Dory' and smirked

"Now, if this is too scary for you..." Dean began teasingly

"Shut up" Laughed Castiel "It's fine... I've not seen the first one though, does that matter?"

"Gotcha covered," Said Dean shifting his hand to reveal the case of 'Finding Nemo' behind the other DVD.

"And why are you walking around with these movies in your backpack, might I ask?" Inquired Castiel in a humorous tone

"You never know" Said Dean, face serious now "When a situation may require Disney..." 

*

It had been seven weeks since Castiel had won the race on the tracks. Dean had joked about it being a 'fix' and then taken Castiel home, stopping on the way back at a pub for some dinner. In the weeks that had passed, they had been to the zoo and Castiel had bought them experience days where they'd been allowed (supervised, of course) to feed the big cats. They had been sea fishing, both catching several small mackerel and keeping the two biggest for lunch, returning the others to the sea. They'd been out for two more evening meals, Castiel had tried and turned his nose up at a spicy Indian dish, Dean had actually asked the bar staff at the restaurant for a glass of milk for him when his eyes started streaming and his face turned red... Dean would not let him forget that night. 

Dean had got his passport renewed and now they were in Port Lincoln, Australia for the Great White Shark Cruise with Cage Dive and Aqua Sub. Staying at a nice hotel, with two separate rooms next to each other. 

Castiel had found himself getting used to and enjoying Dean's company much easier and quicker than he had thought, or hoped he would. Dean was just... light. He kept things light, he made Castiel laugh, he didn't make him feel like a sick person, he felt like... his friend.  

Dean and Castiel watched Finding Nemo and Finding Dory back to back, sat side by side with a bowl of salted popcorn between them, if their hands grazed every so often when they reached for a salty snack at the same time, neither mentioned it...  

*** 

"Alright folks, if I can have your attention"  A friendly tour guide silenced the group as he addressed them "This full-day tour takes you from the Port Lincoln marina to ‘shark bay’ at Neptune Island, approximately 70 km south of Port Lincoln. On the way, we can expect sightings of inquisitive local dolphins and seabirds. To ensure we are protecting the natural environment, we use audio sound vibrations to attract the sharks to the boat rather than chum. The benefits of using sound vibration is that it is completely eco-friendly – and funnily enough, the great white shark’s favorite choice of music is the rock tunes from AC/DC"

Dean smiles at Castiel and says in a hushed voice "Well, at least we know the sharks we're gonna see have good taste in music" Castiel smiles back at Dean and then turns to look back to the tour guide, who is still speaking.

"The vessel is also equipped with a shark cage so that the more adventurous travelers can get up close and personal with the sharks. For those travelers who want to view the sharks more closely but prefer to keep dry, there is the Aqua Sub, a submerged glass chamber that gives you 360-degree views"

Another ten minutes or so of what Dean referred to as 'The small print' and the tour guide started on safety guidelines, Castiel was glad to see that at least Dean seemed to listen to that bit.

"Anyone wishing to go in the shark cage will be given a quick examination, you won't be able to go in the cage if you have any cuts that have bled recently. This is for your own safety, so we ask you not to hide anything from us, you can still see plenty in the aqua sub and the sharks won't be able to smell you. We try to observe without interaction as much as possible, so keeping the sharks as calm as possible is something we take seriously. We do ask, because apparently, some people need the reminder, that you do not put your hands outside the cage. These sharks are not trained or part of a show, they are wild creatures. Predators. They can attack, given the opportunity - anyone seen to be putting themselves or others at risk, on the live feed camera, will be brought up to the surface immediately"

It was another two hours before Dean and Castiel were being handed diving gear and shown how to put it on and use it properly. Castiel could say he was calm, unafraid... He could say this, but he'd be lying. He suddenly couldn't get '47 meters down' out of his head... 

"You alright?" Asked Dean looking at him

"Bit nervous, thanks to you and that bloody film you tried to make us watch last night" Castiel scolded Dean but there was no real heat to his words

"You'll be alright, we'll get in, see what we can see... As soon as you want to come up again, we will" Dean gripped Castiel's shoulder and gave it an encouraging squeeze, trying to not to show his own nerves, at the same moment Castiel tried to conceal that he'd been admiring the view of Dean in a tight wetsuit. 

Castiel nodded "Ok," Though he said still sounded thoroughly unconvinced.

"I'll be right there with you," Said Dean giving him a warm smile. 

"Ok" Repeated Castiel sounding slightly stronger this time. 

***

Dean smiled at Castiel, before putting his breathing tube in his mouth. Castiel watched Dean lower himself into the cage through the hole at the top, and suddenly a guide was patting him on his side, his turn to get in the water... 

Just get in the water... Why was he so scared? Even if something happened... What did he have to lose that he wasn't already losing? He looked down into the cage... There was Dean. His new friend. He climbed up to the top of the cage and lowered himself into the water, not wanting to leave his new friend alone. 

It took a moment for his vision to get used to the brightly sunlit waters, his arm bumped against Dean's and turned to face him. Dean gave Castiel a thumbs up and then pointed. Castiel looked in the direction that Dean was pointing... 

 _'Holy shit'_ He thought as took in the sight of the great white shark, it had to be at least 9ft long... He couldn't take his eyes off it as it swam around the cage, keeping a comfortable distance but clearly interested in Castiel and Dean. 

It's gentle slow pace, was the only thing keeping Castiel from panicking when it started to swim nearer. When the tail of the creature bumped the cage wall as it passed, there was a tiny part of him that wanted to reach out, through the bars... to touch, but then there was a greater desire to keep all his limbs so he ignored that idiotic voice in favor of sanity. Happy to just admire the mighty creature from the safety of the cage. The many sharp teeth, pointing out at ridiculous angles. The huge black eyes that appeared to be lifeless. The way its body moves with grace and power at the same time through the water and the way the sunbeams danced over it's back as though following a melody Castiel could not hear. 

The beast swam away, becoming a blur in the water until it vanished from sight completely, strangely, not knowing where it was, was somehow worse than it being close by and Castiel felt a rush of nervousness.  

There were dozens of smaller fish swimming close by, many different colors shining back at him when the sun caught their scales just right. He could feel Dean's presence beside him, he could see the surface, he was in a strong cage, so even if he couldn't see the shark, he was safe. 

Then he saw it. A dark mass moving quickly through the water, much quicker than it had been going before, heading towards him... The huge shark was swimming directly at the cage, the dark mass soon took shape as the shark got nearer, and all to soon Castiel would be able to count its teeth...Castiel felt his heart clench in his chest and pushed himself back a little, suddenly a strong hand gripped his own and squeezed gently. 

He turned to look at Dean who made the 'Ok?' sign with his hands as the shark changed course at the last possible moment and passed the cage harmlessly. The sheer force of it swimming by could be felt through the water and Castiel felt his whole body sag with relieve and nodded to Dean, who nodded back, before letting go of his hand again. 

 

***

They climbed back on board the boat, helping hands hauling them over the side and on deck. They were both breathing as though they'd ran a sprint, exhilaration coursing through them as they began pulling off their goggles and equipment.  

"Well?" Asked Dean, still slightly breathless as they sat back against the side of the boat "What did you think?" 

Castiel shakes his head, a huge toothy smile gracing his features "Absolutely incredible... I mean, terrifying of course... But amazing" 

Dean smiles looking down at his own goggles as Castiel looks away "Yeah" He says softly to himself "Terrifying but amazing" He glances up sideways at Castiel. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research for this chapter also took me to Youtube... GoPro Great White Shark Cage Diving in South Africa
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XE9GTAXMGo
> 
> ***  
> Great White Shark Cruise with Optional Cage Dive and Aqua Sub from Port Lincoln - Is a real place, and real shark cruise. 
> 
> https://uk.viator.com/tours/Port-Lincoln/Great-White-Shark-Cruise-with-Optional-Cage-Dive-and-Aqua-Sub-from-Port-Lincoln/d22821-7852P1


	7. Being Naughty

"Wait, you've never?" Asked Dean disbelievingly "Not even once?" 

"I should think not," Said Castiel shaking his head "I wouldn't even know what to do..." 

"It's not rocket science" Smiled Dean, then his eyebrows rose slowly as an idea occurred to him "Maybe we...?" 

Castiel shook his head laughing "Why are we even talking about this?" 

"Because you said I could make suggestions for your list. And getting arrested was the first thing that came to my mind, no one can call you boring then... Besides, it's like an unofficial right of passage"

"Yes well, that was my mistake, as apparently was not asking you for a criminal record check," Said Castiel amused.

"I smashed a guys car window in with a crowbar" Said Dean shrugging 

"You what?" Asked Castiel surprised "Why? Who was he?" 

"I didn't know him," Said Dean "But he'd left two small dogs in the back of his car and it was boiling..." He grinned at Castiel "I regret nothing"  

Castiel frowned "You got arrested for that? Surely he should have been the one getting in trouble for cruelty?" 

Dean shook his head "He was a cop. Clearly, those rules don't apply" 

"Well, I would have done the same thing, were they alright? The dogs?" 

"Think so. Got them in the shade and got them some water" Dean turned back to his laptop, scrolling down the page "So..." He tapped his fingers on the desk "How are we going to get you into trouble?"

***

Castiel takes a deep breath, he can see the two officers watching him... it's now or never... He walks over to their car and taps on the window, which winds down and the officers look up at him...

"Excuse me... I'm trying to complete my bucket list and I was wondering if you would be agreeable to arresting me?" He ignored the snorting sounds of Dean laughing at him.

"Are you being serious?" Asked the first officer

"Deadly, I don't want to actually do anything bad... I, I bought you these, should you be agreeable... as a thank you..." He opened a brown paper bag he was holding, showing the officers the box of donuts inside. The two policemen exchanged glances before one turned to Castiel. 

"Arresting you would mean paperwork... We could pose for a picture with you though?" 

"Perfect, thank you so much" Castiel turned back to Dean and stuck his tongue out at him, as Dean blinked in surprise as the officers got out of their car. Then Dean was laughing again, as he turned his camera on. 

A moment to decide their pose and then Castiel is bent over the front of their car, being 'fake' arrested. 

"Hey, Cas" Called Dean, struggling to keep a straight face as Castiel turned to him "Say 'I'm a badass'." 

Castiel pulled a face, one of mock fear as the officers pretended to slap handcuffs on him for Dean to take a picture on his camcorder...

 

"That was fun" Chuckled Castiel as he and Dean got back to his apartment.  

"So, Mr. Novak... After your very recent brush with the law, how are you feeling?" Asked Dean smiling broadly as he pushed the camera in Castiel's face.

Castiel laughed "You're an idiot" 

Dean lowered the camera, shaking his head "You broke character, tut-tut... But, don't worry - your day of badassary isn't over yet, I got a surprise for you" 

"Sounds ominous"  

Dean laughed "One sec" He drops his bag to the ground and rummages through it for a moment before pulling out a small bag, within it, an even smaller bag, full of, what looked to Castiel, like moss "I got you a little something for pain, should help you sleep too. It's totally your call if you want to try it or not"

"Cannabis?" 

Dean smirks at him, he can tell Castiel is interested "Yeah, want to try?"

Castiel's gaze goes from the little bag of drugs to Dean's face, searching his eyes for a moment "Yes"

Castiel watches fascinated, as Dean lays out a small pouch of tobacco and the rolling skins, he pulls out a bud of weed and crumples some between his finger and thumb over the paper.

"Have you smoked this before?" Asks Castiel

"A few times," Says Dean looking up at him "Not very often though" 

"What's it like?"

"It chills you out or it does for me at least. Makes me feel light... numb. Like, I am aware of my body but I can't feel the weight of it. I'll get us some water before we smoke it to because it will give you dry throat... and snacks of course for the munchies" Dean stands up and goes to the kitchen to collect some bottles of water and snacks, he comes back and places the refreshments on the floor next to him. Then tears off a tiny strip of cardboard from the rolling papers packet, rolling it in his fingers to create a kind of tube.

"What are you doing with that little bit of cardboard," Asks Castiel 

"I'm making a roach, it's like a filter," Says Dean adding the tiny cardboard 'filter' to the end of the spliff before swiping his tongue over the glued end of the paper and rolling it. He holds it up for Castiel to inspect before digging his hand in his pocket for a lighter.

Dean brings the spliff to his lips, flicking the lighter so that it creates a tiny flame he lights the end of the spliff and breathes in on the roach pulling a drag of smoke into his lungs. Then blows it out and up into the air around him. He takes a couple more drags making sure that there are no bits that are going to fall out. Then offers the spliff to Castiel who accepts it with a tentative look on his face.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Says Dean

"No I want to try, I'm a badass, remember" Says Castiel with a grin as he brings the spliff to his lips licking his tongue over them to moisten them slightly before wrapping them around the end of the spliff then copying what he'd seen Dean do takes a deep breath in, on his first attempt he coughs a little but he tries again and it is smoother. He draws the smoke deep within his lungs and allows it to fill him up, then blows it out... 

Ten Minutes Later 

"Does it affect your vision because I am fairly certain I can see air particles?" Asks Castiel eyes narrowed and slightly unfocused, seemingly staring into space.

Deans whole body is shaking with laughter as he watches Castiel start poking the air in front of his face supposedly 'popping' air particles with his finger. 


	8. Party for Two

"Don't look at me like that," Says Dean as he sets down the chocolate cake on the table and lights the candle in the center of it "I snuck a peek of your passport in Australia and made a note of your birthday - I just knew you wouldn't mention it... Shame on you Castiel"

Castiel chuckles "So when I leave you a recommendation, I'll be sure to add 'stealthy invader of privacy' under special skills"  

"Ha! Yes" Chuckles Dean "But seriously it's your birthday, and we are going to celebrate it" 

Castiel rolls his eyes, but when Dean holds up an expensive bottle of wine in one hand and a spliff in the other, Castiel suddenly thinks he could actually get on board with this plan. 

"So..." Says Dean expectantly "You going to blow it or what?"

Castiel chokes on thin air... 

"The candle... Perv" Laughs Dean good-naturedly 

Beet red, Castiel throws Dean an apologetic look and leans over his cake to blow out the candle... Stopping short and turning back with a raised eyebrow "Aren't you meant to sing?"  

"Seriously?" 

"You insisted on celebrating it... if you're going to do a thing..." Smirks Castiel.

"Do it properly, yeah yeah... Alright..." Dean takes a deep breath... Trying to mentally prepare himself... He huffs out a laugh "Fuck, I can't... it's weird... Just me on my own" He laughs "You want to see me sing? We'll go to karaoke one night, deal?"

Castiel narrows his eyes at Dean before turning away from him and blowing out the candle on the cake that was nearly halfway down now and had dripped wax on to the chocolate icing. "Fine," He says "I'll hold you to that though" 

"Happy Birthday Castiel," Says Dean smiling 

"Yeah, yeah... put it in a song" Laughs Castiel grabbing the bottle of wine from Dean's hand and taking it to the kitchen to open and pour. 

*** 

Two hours later, Dean had beaten Castiel at battleships and Castiel had annihilated Dean at chess. They were now sat on the couch, talking... The kind of conversations that alcohol and weed made possible... 

They debated in depth, the existence of aliens... They pondered out loud, about how mankind found out it was ok for people to drink cows milk... Dean pointing out that, whoever did it first was probably a fucking sick-o who got lucky... They argued over who they thought would win in a fight between Darth Vader from Star Wars and Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter... A subject which got dropped when neither was willing to budge on their opinion. Castiel backing Lord Voldemort and Dean backing Darth Vader...  

Drunk and sleepy, Castiel desided to ask Dean about a subject he usually tried to avoid... 

"What do you think happens when you die?" Asks Castiel, tilting his head to try and focus his tired eyes on Dean's face.

"You sure that's a can of worms you wanna open right now Cas?" 

"Why not, everyone who has ever spoken about it has died or is going to die... It's no different for me in that regard"

Dean pressed his lips together, thinking "I guess that's true..." 

"So..." Castiel prompts "What do you think happens?" 

"I have two theories," Said Dean, "I think if it turns out... That there is a God... heaven, hell and all that... That the good people get to relive the best times of their lives again. See the people they cared about..." He looks pointedly at Castiel "Drive the car of their dreams" 

Castiel smiles "Well, that sounds nice. Do I even want to hear your second theory?"

"My second theory... and the one I put the most stock in... Is that we just go back" Castiel frowned, not understanding, so Dean went on "We are just energy at the end of the day... A soul... A battery inside a body..." 

"Batteries run out," Said Castiel skeptically 

"Yes, but that's because the energy was used by the thing it was making work... Say it was in a torch, that energy went into the blub, the light, then into the heat the light produced and eventually back into the air... So for us... Our energy is our souls, I think when you die... your soul leaves your body. Your body is dead, but your soul, your energy... is just moving on, through the air... I don't think energy 'dies' I just think... It moves on" 

Castiel blinked, thinking "So where does it end up?" 

"In a plant, a new baby, an animal... I think it goes into some new living thing"

"So... Reincarnation?" 

"Yeah... But it's not like you can choose, you know? I don't know... Maybe I'm talking shit... We drank... A lot"

"No, no..." Said Castiel quickly, reassuring Dean "It's... It's kind of nice to think about it like that..."

Dean smiled "Yeah?"

"Yes," Said Castiel "Because... If that's true, we might meet again... after" 

Dean huffed out a laugh "Course we will" 

Castiel looked up at Dean "You sound so sure?" 

"I am" Said Dean offering no further explanation, he just shuts his eyes and leans his head back to rest on the back of the couch.

"I'm scared" 

"What?" Says Dean, eyes flying open at Castiel's whisper and turning sharply to see Castiel looking down at his hands.

Castiel sighs "I am really fucking scared Dean..." 

Dean blinks, searching his mind for something to say that would offer comfort... " No matter what... I'll be there for you, at the end" He says swallowing thickly around his words. 

Dean watches, with rising panic as a tear rolls down Castiel's check, he sits up, turning face on to Castiel... Bringing his hand up, he wipes the tear from Castiel's face with a single soft fingertip... his eyes roam over Castiel's face, as though studying each and every detail. He seems to be having an internal battle. 

Finally, he blows out a deep breath a throws an arm around Castiel's shoulders pulling him to his side, hugging him into his warmth, Castiel's head tucked under his chin... Dean's eyes fog over as he says "The world is a beautiful place... But someone fucked up big time doing this, to you" 

Castiel's shuddering breaths even out and carefully Dean lifts his head up and slips out from under him, laying him gently down on the couch. He fetches him a blanket and carefully pulls his shoes off, placing them on the floor next to the couch... He tidies up the empty bottles of wine and rubbish, before casting one last sad look over Castiel...

"You deserve more," He says before quietly leaving and making his way home.  


	9. 6 Months and 500 Miles

It's been a few days since Castiel drunkenly admitted to Dean he was scared... He hadn't brought it back up and although Dean wanted to comfort him, he didn't think to push Castiel into talking about his impending death was the way to do it... in fact, he was pretty sure that would be the exact opposite of comforting... 

And it wasn't exactly surprising that he was scared considering what he was going through, what had been surprising was that he'd confessed it to Dean, Castiel hadn't really spoken about his illness much and Dean got the impression that it was affecting him more than he let people see... Like the one time, Dean had arrived at Castiel's place a little early and he'd heard him coughing from behind the door, but when he knocked and asked if he was ok, Castiel played it off as a drink of water going down the wrong way. Dean had been surprised by Castiel's confession because he'd never believed that Castiel would truly let his guard down like that around him... 

Dean wanted to do something for Castiel, the man had and was doing so much for him, he was sharing his adventure with him, and so far Dean hadn't really done anything to earn the money he was being paid... Which reminded him... Today was six months exactly since he'd started 'working' for Castiel... 

Deans stomach turns slightly when he checks his bank account and realizes that another thirty thousand dollars had dropped into it... Marking the beginning of a new six months. Why did it feel... wrong? This was the arrangement... Yet he had a niggling feeling of guilt that he couldn't shake... On the other hand, he was glad Castiel hadn't required Dean's medical knowledge... It was good that he was still independent, Dean knew that Castiel feared becoming so weak that he couldn't care for himself, he knew that he was mentally a very strong person and that, that kept him going... Dean would have to start watching out for signs that Castiel was pushing himself too hard... 

When he wasn't with Castiel, he spent a lot of time reading. Researching things such as 'helping a friend deal with depression', 'Suicide; what to look out for?', 'End of Life plans for terminal cancer patients'... He also looked for a miracle... scouring the internet, looking for some kind of magical cancer cure... 

He'd already decided to ask Castiel to try taking Cannabis oil, which he'd found some promising reports on... 

*** 

"Honestly Dean, I don't mind, in fact, I would rather take a night off from drinking, maybe more than 'a night'... I'm getting sick of the hangovers, I have been meaning to ask you though if you could get me some more weed and teach me how to roll it? I sleep much better after having had some"

"Sure Cas" Replies Dean thinking to himself that when he gets it he will get the cannabis oil too "Can pick you some up tomorrow if you like?" 

"Thank you," Said Castiel "So, I will drive us back later and you can have a drink if you like... You are, after all, the one who may need the liquid courage tonight" 

Dean had promised Castiel a night of karaoke... But when they walked into the small pub, they found not karaoke but an open mic night, there was a girl singing a very good rendition of Sherly Crows 'if it makes you happy'. 

About half an hour after putting his name down to sing, Dean was called up by the man running the open mic night.

Dean walked up the man with a guitar and asked him something Castiel couldn't hear, he saw the man nod and get up, putting his guitar to one side and sitting at the piano against the wall. He began to play his piano, finding the tune, with Dean nodding along, then Dean steps up to the microphone, with a nervous glance at Castiel he begins to sing. Castiel knows the song... but he's never heard it sung like this before... 

 _"When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be_  
_I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you_  
_When I go out, yeah, I know I'm gonna be_  
_I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you_  
_If I get drunk, well, I know I'm gonna be_  
_I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you_  
_And if I_ haver _, hey, I know I'm gonna be_  
_I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you_  
  
_But I would walk five hundred miles_  
_And I would walk five hundred more_  
_Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles_  
_To fall down at your door_  
  
_When I'm working, yes, I know I'm gonna be_  
_I'm gonna be the man who's working hard for you_  
_And when the money comes in for the work I do_  
_I'll pass almost every penny on to you_  
_When I come home (When I come home), oh, I know I'm gonna be_  
_I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you_  
_And if I grow old, well, I know I'm gonna be_  
_I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you_  
  
_But I would walk five hundred miles_  
_And I would walk five hundred more_  
_Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles_  
_To fall down at your door"_

Each and every word seemed to drip with emotion, Castiel found his head praying it wasn't being sung to him... but also hoping with his whole heart that it was... Either way, it struck a chord with him and the haunting piano seemed to tease the tears from his eyes... 

As Dean finished, Castiel quickly dried his eyes and then clapped along with everybody else. When Dean sat down across from him, faintly pink-cheeked and slightly sweat-damp Castiel turned to him... 

"I didn't know you could actually sing Dean... That was really, very good" 

Dean pressed his lips together and shrugged, looking slightly embarrassed "Cheers Cas"

Castiel and Dean spent the next few hours talking about music and Dean's singing talent - which he claimed was no big deal... but to Castiel, Dean's voice was like velvet, smooth and soft...  

***

It's dark by the time they are on their way home and the roads are lit up by street lights. Castiel is driving, he is tired, his head is pounding and his body is aching, they had stayed far later than he'd anticipated and the loud music had affected him more than he'd let on...Dean had been enjoying himself and that was apparently enough of a reason for Castiel to stay later... Dean is sat next to him in the passenger seat, humming along to the radio with his eyes closed, trying to fight the desire to sleep. 'Skinny Love' By Birdy starts playing... The peaceful, beautiful piano, the haunting lyrics, the song seems to wrap a blanket around Castiel, his eyes growing heavy, as he listened... 

He didn't notice when his foot eased up on the gas, his leg resting more to the side and the car started to slow down, he didn't notice when his vision started to get darker, or when he began to sway slightly in his seat... His eyes had closed fully when the car started to veer off the road... 

The grassy ditch at the side of the road sloped down and seemed like a siren calling the car to it... 

Castiel woke up in a panic as the car went over the edge of the shallow ditch, and he shouted out as Dean's head slammed into the glovebox compartment... 

"DEAN" The car stopped on a downward facing angle. Castiel pulled at his seatbelt, freeing himself... He turned to Dean as he went to check Dean's pulse, he felt something warm on his fingers, horrified when he looked and saw it was blood... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is how Dean's version sounds... 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ6wJqaE6o4


	10. You'll Be Known For The Strength Of Your Heart

"Cas, look at me... I. Am. Fine. I broke my nose as a teenager and now the slightest bump and it bleeds like a bitch, that's all... I'm seriously ok..." Said Dean, as he closed the door to Castiel's appartment behind him and watches Castiel continue to torture himself. Castiel's car had been towed and Dean and Castiel had got a taxi back. 

"That's not the point Dean... I just... I can't... I give up!" Castiel huffed as he slumped back in his chair and closed his eyes, turning his face away from Dean as tears burned tracks down his face...

 

Dean turned to look at him "Excuse me?" He scoffed "You give up? What does that mean? What kind of bullshit is that? I don't accept that" He knelt down by Castiel and gripped his chin lightly, turning his head back toward him, before dropping his hand "Look at me"

Castiel sniffed as he opened his eyes, they were slightly bloodshot and pink.

"You had a bad day"

"I could have killed us," Said Castiel quietly, he didn't want Dean to comfort him, he didn't feel like he deserved it.

Dean ignores him and continues "but you don't get to 'give up' Cas, when you make a mistake, you learn from it, when you feel like this, you find an excuse to keep going, a reason to carry on, something you want to do or see... any reason to keep fighting, if you could fight and buy yourself another year - you do it, if you could fight and buy yourself another month, or week, or day... you do it. If you can fight for another God damn minute - You DO it" Dean swallowed as a tear rolled over his cheek "There is always more, even if we finish your list, there is more. You may have seen something in the sun, but have you seen how different that thing looks in the moonlight? Most people go through life thinking their time on this earth is limitless... We know that's crap, life is short and cruel, but the world... The world is fucking beautiful. And you got a warning, you got handed a reason to live every day as though it were going to be your last, so you don't get to 'give up', You get to go out there, and see as much of it as you can, because it's beautiful and I don't want you to miss a fucking thing!"

Castiel stared at Dean... With an odd expression of soft intensity, his lips parted "Dean..?" 

Dean stood up and wiped his face. Turning away from Castiel, who followed him to his feet, frowning slightly... 

When Dean turned back around, it was a few seconds before he found the strength to look Castiel in the eyes, his own flooding tears down his face, his voice rasped as he said in nothing more than a whisper "I don't want you to die Cas... I don't want you to leave me" 

And just like that, Castiel's heart shattered inside him like a mirror smashing into a thousand pieces "Dean..." 

"You can't give up. You have to keep fighting, please. I don't want you to just survive, I want you to really live, to get everything you want out of this life" 

Castiel's eyes searched Dean's, he blinked. At the same time that he stepped forward, he uttered: "I promise". Then his hands found Dean's neck, gently pulling him forward as he brought their mouths together.

It was everything he'd ever imagined it would be... The closeness, the warmth, the kiss, the excitement, the need, the heat... His brain nearly short-circuited when he felt Dean's tongue press lightly against his lips, questioningly. His answer was to part his mouth and slid his own tongue along Dean's, tasting him... Fuck he'd forgotten how awesome making out with someone felt, or maybe he hadn't and it was just that Dean was by far the best kiss of his life? 

His life...

' _Fuck, what the hell am I doing? I can't start something romantic with Dean... I'm dying...'_

Castiel pulled back, staring at Dean as the blood seemed to drain from his face leaving his face pale and pasty "Dean, forgive me. But I need you to leave" 


	11. Points Of View

"Dean, forgive me. But I need you to leave" 

Dean POV

Well, fuck, that hurt. He looked into Castiel's eyes, trying to work out what he was thinking, but Castiel was giving nothing away. So Dean just nodded and turned around, grabbing his jacket and leaving without a word. 

Once he finally got home, he lay down on his bed, still fully clothed. Thinking... He was still slightly drunk from the bar and his nose still throbbed from where he'd hit it on the glovebox... But he could work this out... 

Castiel had kissed him... he'd started it. Then he'd pulled away and asked Dean to leave. Why? Dean knew he wasn't a bad kisser, so that wasn't the cause for Castiel's sudden about-face. No, it was something else... 

Although Dean didn't like to assume things normally... He had to go with that Castiel liked him. Liked him enough to consider staying away from him, because of his illness... Dean sighed. Of course, he himself had been wary of getting too close, for a while he'd tried to squash down his steadily developing crush on Cas. But there had been moments when he'd been caught off guard by just how adorable Castiel was... 

His asking ever so politely to be arrested, trying a hot Indian dish and needing to be fetched a glass of milk... And when he'd teared up watching Dean singing, just mere hours ago... Dean had noticed, of course... And it tugged on his heartstrings like nothing in this world had ever managed to before...

The next morning arrived (he must have passed out at some point) and Dean hadn't received a text from Castiel, so he went to see his uncle Bobby... 

Dean explained what had happened the night before and after his uncle had examined his nose, against his protests, he sat chewing his nails as Bobby sighed heavily, looking at Dean with a crooked eyebrow.

"Go ahead," Said Dean sounding resigned "I can see you have an opinion, spit it out" 

"Dean... Castiel is dying, I'm sure he is a great guy, I'm sure he doesn't deserve this... But... I don't want to see you get hurt. If I could offer you any advice... It would be to get out now before you fall any deeper" 

"I can't 'get out'. I don't want to, I think... No, _I know_. I'm falling in love with him" Said Dean looking up helplessly at Bobby "He is sweet and caring. Ridiculously strong. He finds things to laugh at and smile about every day... even though he is dying. He is adorable in the way that everything seems new and fascinating to him..." He laughs softly "He's a bit like an alien... visiting Earth for a short while to sample life as a human, before leaving to report back to his home planet" 

Bobby scratches the side of his nose before saying "Well, I guess that's that then... You, my boy, are officially screwed" 

Dean sank into the small office chair and rubbed his hands over his face... "Yep"

"Dean... If you really love him and you can't be away from him. Then be with him. Because no matter happens, if you love him and you don't tell him, you'll regret it until the day you die... And whatever happens, I'm here for you. If you decide to see this through to the end, I'll be there for you after but you have to promise me not to refuse help when the time comes! Not to shut me out, 'coz son...  it's going to hurt like hell..."

"It already does" Said Dean sadly 

"So make it worth it now, while you still can," Said Bobby "Go get your alien" 

 

Castiel POV

Castiel watched with guarded fear as Dean left... As the door closed with a soft click... So did his eyes. His head shaking from side to side slowly... 

"Oh, what have you just done" He whispered to himself.

How could you kiss Dean? What things weren't complicated enough for you? The look of hurt that had flashed across Dean's face had told him that this wasn't something that could be ignored, not anymore... 

The attraction that they had for one another was out in the open now, there was no hiding behind doubt anymore... Castiel liked Dean. And by the way Dean had responded to his kiss, Cas knew, Dean liked him. 

"I can't... " He said out loud to the empty room... "I can't! What would be the point of starting something with Dean? He'd only be left alone at the end of it... If we even lasted that long... Do I really want to try and start something with Dean, that might not even work? I don't need more fucking pain if we break up... Oh god and if he got a new boyfriend or girlfriend..." Castiel shuddered... "I can't" 

_'But you love him'_

That stupid little fucking voice in his head... made an excellent point. "Shit," He said angrily "I do... Fucking fuckerty, fuck. FUCK!!" 

"Nope" He shook his head... He was exhausted, he'd fallen asleep at the wheel and almost killed Dean... He couldn't think about this right now. He needed sleep... He pulled off his shoes, his socks, his top and got into bed in just his jeans. Sighing deeply... He wondered if he should text Dean...

 _'Would that be weird? Surely not just to make sure he got home ok? No... Get a_ grip _Castiel... The more you insert yourself into Dean's life, the more it will affect him when you die...'_

He fell into an uneasy sleep, his last conscious thoughts being... that maybe he should end their arrangement?  


	12. The Nearness Of You

Dean hears footsteps outside his front door... He takes a deep breath. This is it. There is a firm knock. 

"Come in Cas, it's open," He says... The door opens and there is Castiel, head tilted slightly, a sad look on his face... 

"Dean. We need to talk" 

"I know, I knew you'd come," Said Dean calmly as Castiel entered and they sat down at the table together... 

***

Earlier that day

Castiel has the phone to his ear as he goes through his list, trying to work out if it was possible to complete it alone... Ok, so he'd have to scrap a few items if he went solo... But if it spared Dean pain in the long run, wouldn't that be worth it? 

"Castiel?" Came his father's voice

"Hey Dad" 

"Hello son, how are you... Sorry, stupid question" 

"No, no it's fine Dad. But er... I have a problem" 

"Anything, I can do to help?" 

"I don't know" Sighed Castiel rubbing his hand over his face "I kissed Dean last night" 

"You kissed Dean? Did he kiss you back?" Asked Chuck

"Yeah... But that's not what" 

"Good," 

"Wait, what?" Asked Castiel completely thrown my his fathers response. 

"Castiel, you send me videos of everything you and Dean do... I feel like I've been watching a romantic comedy for the past six months" Laughed Chuck "It's pretty obvious the boy is smitten with you" 

"But... But I can't..." 

"Why not?" 

"You know very well why not" 

"What, because you're ill you don't think you deserve to be loved?"  

"No...That's not..."

"Then?" 

"Dean... I,... He doesn't deserve to be hurt" 

"I don't think that's something you can control son," Says Chuck sadly "And if anyone deserves a little love and happiness... it's you" 

 

***

Now 

"I had a feeling you might try to 'fire' me today..." Said Dean, before Castiel could speak, he picked up a piece of paper and stood up, he began to pace nervously "So... I prepared a list of reasons why I don't think that's a good idea" 

Castiel's mouth dropped "You made a list...?" 

"I did, I know how you enjoy a good list Castiel, so I am hoping you can't resist hearing mine?" 

Castiel smirked, only for a moment before frowning slightly as he reminded himself why he was here... But he was curious as to what was on Dean's list... So he nodded. 

Dean smiled, holding up all the paper "Ok, we have already spent six months getting to know one and another and if you 'fire' me, you'll have to find someone new which would take up time and then you'd have to get used to them and ugh... New people? That's a lot of hassle when you know we get on and I want to be here"

Dean looked over his paper at Castiel who raised an eyebrow at him "I am also assuming you'd be letting me go because of what happened last night? Thing is Cas, I like you... And I am pretty sure you like me... So it's too late to try and stop feelings getting hurt... It's already there... if you send me away now, we're both just going to be miserable...  We can go our separate ways and be miserable... Or we can stick together, keep having fun... See what this is..." He motions between them "Everyone only has until death do they part anyway, we are no different" 

Castiel blinked in surprise, feeling his heart fighting his head "We really shouldn't Dean" Said Castiel quietly "You know we shouldn't. What good can come from 'us'? I'm dying. It's because I like you... That I don't want to hurt you, it's because I care" 

"Cas, if you only had a day, or an hour left... I'd take it. Before I met you it felt like I was struggling around in the darkness, trying to find the light, or at the very least, someone to share the darkness with... And I found you"

"Dean..." Castiel can feel his resolve breaking down... He doesn't want to hurt Dean, but if sending Dean away now would hurt him anyway? Added to the fact that Castiel liked having Dean around and didn't want to lose him... 

"I know this is your adventure, your list... But I've seen so many amazing things with you, done so many amazing things... Yet I have to confess, the thing that really makes me feel alive..." Dean smiles at Castiel, his eyes sparkling "Is being with you" He pushed a button on the little black remote in his hand, that had been hidden under the paper and his stereo came to life "Better explained by the velvety tones of Norah Jones - with what I have very recently decided, is our song... The Nearness Of You"

Castiel swallowed and let out a choked breath, holding his crumbling nerves back as Dean approached him and held out his hand...

 

"Dance with me" 

"Dean... We shouldn't" 

"Even if you want to leave and never come back, just dance with me... Just this once? Please? I didn't mean for this to happen Cas, I didn't mean to feel this way about you, It's cause I can't... I can't help it" 

Castiel raised one eyebrow ever so slightly, before slipping his hand into Dean's, he was tired, but he would dance with Dean, even if it killed him. He slowly got up, supported by Dean, who slipped a hand around his waist and gave him a light squeeze. Castiel sighed and rested his head on Dean's shoulder and they gently swayed together, Castiel letting the song lyrics wash over him, filling his heart. 

"Dean" Castiel sighed into his shoulder... "This isn't going to have a happy ending" it wasn't an attempt to fight... it was a surrender... And Dean hugged Cas to him more tightly... 

"It's not about the destination Cas, it's about the journey" Then in an amused voice as he pressed his cheek into Castiel's hair, Dean added "So... I have a few more suggestions for your list,"

Castiel snorted "Whose being a perv now?"  

Dean leaned his head back, to look into Castiel's face, his smile growing as Castiel looked back at him... Dean begins to lean forward and Castiel's heart silence's his head as he too starts to close the gap... to heaven. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Norah Jones - The Nearness Of You
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2OLYmCAQ-A&index=19&list=PL-zHYvFyosVtgyL0JAKXA5UwCW1kySJYa


	13. Lie To Me

Castiel had stayed at Deans that night. They'd swayed together for a while and then cuddled up on the couch, Castiel resting his head on Dean's chest. He could hear his heart beating. Steady, calming. He sighed. Did he really think he'd be able to turn Dean away? Dean!? Who could easily slay him with a smile... 

Eventually, Castiel had woken up to Dean's gentle voice saying his name. 

"Castiel?" 

"Hmm" He opened his eyes and saw Dean's hand in front of him, he was stood over him, with a tired but happy smile on his face. Castiel took his hand, letting himself be pulled to his feet, he didn't even ask where they were going, he knew Dean would take care of him now. Dean leads him to his bedroom. 

He pushed the door open and turns to Cas "If you want me to sleep on the couch I will, but... I'd really like to stay with you tonight, no funny business, just sleeping" 

"It's your bed Dean," Says Castiel thickly through the fog of sleepiness. 

Dean looks at him, with a slight quirk of his lips "Yeah... That doesn't really answer my question?" 

Castiel chuckles taking Dean's hand again and walking through the bedroom door, pulling Dean along. 

They lay in Dean's bed together, both still fully dressed... Dean wrapping an arm around Castiel's waist and cuddling into him. Castiel enjoying the feeling of warmth, relishing the feeling of being protected and loving the feeling... of Dean. Castiel slept soundly without any painkillers, without alcohol, and without weed. 

***

The next morning, Dean wakes up to find Castiel already awake, looking at him. 

He huffs out a laugh "That's not creepy at all" He says

Castiel doesn't smile, he just stares at Dean for a few seconds more before saying "Are you sure?" 

Dean doesn't need to ask what Castiel means "I'm sure," He says softly, pressing a light kiss to Castiel's cheek before shifting and getting out of bed "Breakfast?" 

"I'm not hungry," Said Castiel sitting up, with rising dread as he felt the familiar tickle in his throat... "Maybe just some water... please" He manages to get the full sentence out before the coughing begins... His cheeks burn with embarrassment... He must look a state. Dean has already gone from the doorway, Castiel's eyes are watering by the time Dean returns with a glass of cold water. 

"I put the kettle on, honey lemon tea is great for a sore throat," He said passing Castiel the glass, seeming to instinctively know Castiel doesn't want Dean to see his illness yet, Dean leaves the bedroom and pulls the door too behind him so that it's almost fully closed. 

***

Castiel comes out of the bedroom ten minutes later, empty glass in his hand "Thank you" He says shyly to Dean, who grins at him around a spoonful of bran flakes. Dean had to force himself not to ask questions that were bound to annoy Castiel... _'Are you ok?' 'Are you sure you're not hungry?' 'Can I get you anything?'_ They floated around in his head and tried to tempt him into saying them... He needed to change the subject... He passes Castiel his hot lemon honey tea and sits back down at the tiny kitchen table. 

"Let's play a game," Said Dean "You don't have cancer and I don't work for you..." 

"Ok?" Said Castiel frowning 

"How do we meet?" 

"Er, what?" 

"It can be anything... for example, I worked at a garage so maybe you brought your car in and I offered to fix it for free... in exchange for your number" Smirked Dean while shoveling in another mouthful of cereal. 

Castiel smiled at him "Smooth" 

"Right?" Said Dean grinning "So... Your turn, how would we meet?" 

"You are five stone overweight, and I put you on a strict diet..." Said Cas casually, Dean rolls his eyes... but then Castiel adds... "Of cock" 

Dean choked on his breakfast, eyes wide with surprise. He calms down enough to swallow his food and then succumbs to laughing fit, that brings tears in his eyes "Castiel Novak" He says with pretend scolding "You floozy"  

Castiel just smirks at him "I believe it's your turn, who'd ask who out and how?" 

"Pfft, well obviously you'd ask me out... I mean as soon as you saw me you'd be a drooling mess..." Laughs Dean "You'd probably be on your knees begging... hmm, now that's a pretty image" Dean winked at Castiel in a way that seemed to suck all the air out of the room "Your turn?" 

"If I had asked you out first, it would have been to something that didn't include eating... I wouldn't have wanted my 'crazy' to put you off" Said Castiel smiling as he remembered how strict he used to be about his diet "Maybe bowling or something... But I think you would have made the first move... If I'd taken my car into your garage I could see you leaving your name and number in there" 

Dean raises his brows "Yeah, that's a good one"

"Your question" Prompted Castiel rather enjoying the flirty game

"Sex on a first date?" 

Castiel laughs "Ha... erm... I don't know, I wasn't a saint but usually, I tried to at least wait until the second or third" 

"Bit naughty are you?" Says Dean with a cheeky smile 

"Maybe you will find out one day," Says Castiel teasingly "If you're lucky" 

Dean wiggles his eyebrows as he stands up and goes to put his dish in the sink, then he starts walking back to his bedroom. 

"Where are you going?" Asks Castiel after him

"Getting dressed," Says Dean, pausing to turn and look back "Wanna watch?" 

Castiel seriously looked like he was considering it for a moment before he laughed and turned back to his tea. 

When Dean was dressed, he drove Castiel home, so that he could get a shower and get dressed. Dean gave him a brief kiss at his door before turning and walking away.  

*** 

Castiel had had a long hot shower, shaved, brushed his teeth, trimmed his 'downstairs' area - just in case things should (as he hoped) heat up with Dean soon. He got out of the shower and got dressed. Then he called his father, to tell him that he and Dean were... seeing how things go. 

Two hours after Dean had dropped him off at home, he was just starting to feel a bit hungry, it was nearing lunch time, so he made himself a small sandwich and sat in his living room eating it... He heard a loud knock at the door. It made him jump slightly. He got up and walked over to the door, looking out his 'peek' hole, he couldn't see anyone... Castiel opens his door and frowns down at the box that had been left on his step, he turns the label over and snorts out a laugh that sounds like a goose when he reads the label... 

_'To Floozy, From Fatman'_

He looks about him to make sure no one had seen his embarrassing impression on farmyard foul and carries the box inside quickly... Opening it and taking out the tiny model car... a 1978 Lincoln Continental Mark V, the same make and model as his own car... He opens the box and takes the car out of it, turning it over in his hand he sees a tiny piece of paper taped to the base of it...

He unfolds it, smiling as he reads...   _'How about bowling? x'_   He supposed that was as near to Dean leaving his name and number in his car as he could get, and ... it was perfect. 

 


	14. You See Through It

Turns out... Castiel can bowl. He destroyed Dean, in not one... But three games. To make it up to Dean and stop his pouting, Castiel had agreed to go to a nice restaurant with him for dinner. Dean had thought it was a good moment to mention to Castiel about the cannabis oil... and also about a Doctor he'd heard of in India that had apparently cured some women's tumor... 

Castiel shook his head "I'll take the cannabis oil, as it helps me sleep but I'm not interested in any 'magical doctors' Dean, I'm sorry"

Dean frowns at him from across the table "I don't understand... why you're not trying absolutely everything you can to beat this"

"Because!" Snapped Castiel "Because I have tried Dean. I've tried everything to prevent it. My mom died when I was thirteen years old, she smoked a fair bit and she got ill, she got cancer and my dad had to watch her go from the woman that he had known and loved most of his life into this unrecognizable person, who was confused and forgetful and always, always... In pain. It was my mom's treatment that made her sick. I mean, obviously, she had cancer but it was the chemotherapy and the operations and the constantly being in and out of the hospital, poked and prodded by several different doctors... all of them 'top specialists' in their own field. That was what made her ill. I don't want that. And I can't put my father through that again, I don't want him to see all of that. When my mom died he changed... it changed him and we started eating healthy and exercising. Taking these long walks together, I think they started so he could see how I was doing, so we could both see how each other was doing, so we could talk about losing mom and how we felt about it... But I never stopped watching what I ate, I was obsessed with being healthy... Cancer was my worst nightmare... and it found me anyway"

Castiel sighed deeply before continuing "For the last 20 years of my life I have been doing everything and anything that I could think of to prevent it and I still got it so when you ask me what I have to lose by going to see some herbal therapist doctor person, the answer is... time. I have precious little of it left and I don't want to waste any more of it worrying about cancer. I just want to live the life I still have left"

Castiel is pale and shaking by the time he finishes speaking, he looks up, meeting Dean's wide eyes. 

"You knew from the beginning, from when we met this wasn't going to have a happy ending Dean, you knew that and you jumped in any way. If you've changed your mind about us..." Castiel lets the sentence hang, unfinished. Then changing his approach he continues "Please, don't hold out hope for me to change mine. I'm not going to. It's not going to get better, I'm going to get sicker, weaker... if you need to walk away, I understand but... please do it now" 

Castiel swallowed as Dean stared at him "I just want you to live Cas"

"I know, I know you do... but your idea of me living... is different to mine, it's the quality versus quantity debate. You want me to have longer, I want to make the most of what I have" Castiel takes a drink of his wine before continuing "I love the dream of growing old with you, living with you, having a family... with you. But it is just a dream. I am dying" Castiel's face flushed and his eyes threaten tears, he suddenly stands up "Excuse me," He says before rushing away from the table to the restroom.  

Nausea had hit him without warning, he pushes the toilet door open and hurries into a cubicle, silently grateful that there was no one else in the men's room at that moment. He scrambles to lock the door behind him before turning and leaning over the toilet bowl, retching. Head swimming and eyes steamed up with unshed tears. His throat contracts and then the expensive dinner he'd just consumed makes a reappearance... Slightly shaken and feeling weak, he flushes the toilet and puts the lid down to sit on, he wipes his mouth on some toilet roll and lets his head sag forward, trying to calm his ragged breathing. 

He hears the restroom door open and steps coming towards the cubicle, then a gentle knock...

He shakes his head, face tightening, and red as silent tears stream from his eyes. 

"Cas, let me in" Comes Deans voice, gentle... full of concern.

"Just... go back to the table Dean, I'll be out in a minute... I need to clean myself up" Castiel's voice stutters through his valiant attempts to sound calm. 

"Cas... I don't care how disgusting you think you look... Let me in right now, or I am going to break the door down" 

Castiel sighs, and clicks the lock to 'Open' on the handle. Dean opens the door and looks down at him, holding out a glass of water to him. 

"Come with me," He says after Castiel has washed his mouth out with the water and straightened up

"I have to go and pay"

"I already paid" Said Dean linking his arm under Castiel's and leading him out of the restaurant.  

***

They walk along in silence for a while until Dean turns to look at Castiel "I'm not changing my mind Cas, I don't want an out" He stops and takes Castiel's hands in his own. 

"Dean, I won't be around forever... I don't want you to stay if you're holding out for some kind of miracle, I've already started to lose weight... I feel sick most of the day, I am not a pretty sight to wake up to with my morning coughing fits"

"I want to be here, I want to stay with you, live with you, you want me to sleep on the couch with earplugs in and an eye mask on until you feel ready for me to see you... fine, I'll do whatever it takes... But you should know by now, you always look beautiful to me" Dean pulled out his wallet, and pushed open the door to the shop they had stopped in front of, only now did Castiel notice with a slight jolt that it was a 'Cancer Research' charity shop. 

Dean walked up to the cashier and smiled "Hi there, we will be needing all your adult clothing, please" Castiel and the cashier frowned at Dean, what was he up to? 

"All... of it?" Asked the cashier looking at Dean

"That's right... Thirty thousand dollars should cover it" Said Dean evenly

Castiel grabbed Dean's arm "Dean, what are you doing?" 

Dean smiled at him "I quit Cas, I'm not 'working' for you anymore, I'm staying now because I want to be with you. I know you won't take your money back, so I'm investing it... I hope it helps them to find a cure" 

Castiel smiles at Dean with tears in his eyes. He doesn't want to argue, he doesn't want to say Dean is being a fool... he just... "Thank you," He says pulling Dean to him and kissing him on the cheek. Then resting his head against Dean's shoulder, hugging him tightly "Thank you, Dean"  

Castiel and Dean spend the rest of the evening walking through the streets handing out items of clothing to the homeless. 


	15. Is That A Snake Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me?

"It's a petting zoo, of sorts," Said Castiel with a smirk on his face

"Of sorts?" Dean repeated, trying to remember the items from Castiel's list and work out what it could possibly be... "I don't remember anything on your list that sounded like we'd need to go to a petting zoo" 

Castiel turned to face Dean "Yes, well I added this, after the shark dive"

Dean's eyebrows almost disappeared, the shark dive had been amazing... but, it had also been kinda scary "Ok, so where is it? Where are we going?" Castiel had told Dean to pack enough for a week of warm weather... and given him no further clues as to what they would be doing. 

"We are heading back to Australia," Said Castiel as their taxi stopped outside the airport "We're going to Darwin, Northern Territory"

***

Castiel woke with a jolt, he rubbed his eyes and saw Dean sleeping in the seat next to him, with his headphones in, Castiel looked at his iPod... The last song Dean had played, and apparently fallen asleep too, was 'The Nearness Of You' by Norah Jones. Castiel smiled fondly as he remembered that Dean had dubbed that their song. He looked about him, lots of other passengers on their flight were sleeping, they still had a few hours before they were due to land, so he snuggled back into his seat, resting his hand on top of Dean's after he'd pulled his own headphones over his ears. He settled to watch the in-flight movie 'Burlesque'.

***

"Welcome Dean... to Crocosaurus Cove," Said Castiel stretching out his arms in front of the entrance to emphasize his words. 

"Alright, John Hammond, keep your knickers on" Laughed Dean, he turned to read the sign on the entry gate "Crocosaurus Cove, allows visitors a unique, up close and personal view of Australia’s iconic Saltwater Crocodiles" He turns to Castiel "What is it with you and things that want to eat us?" 

Castiel laughs "As soon as we'd done the shark dive... I knew I wanted to do something like that again, it was just incredible and when I found this place online... I couldn't resist"

"Well good, you don't have to resist, if this is what you want to do, then it's what we do." Says Dean then he pulls the gate open for Castiel to walk through first "After you..." 

"Thanks, It's this way first, they don't do the cage dives until afternoon, we are making a stop first at the Reptile House" Dean turned to face Castiel, was his face a shade paler? 

"The Reptile House?" Dean sounds nervous as he repeats Castiel

"Yes," Said Castiel before adding with a head tilt "Is that ok?" 

"Sure" Dean ducks his head as he clears his throat "Whatever you want..." 

***  

"Oh...fuck. Er. Cas, I kinda have this..." Dean stepped back as Castiel turned around with the long snake wrapped around his neck, eyes wide "Problem... with snakes"

Castiel suppressed a smirk "Why, does one owe you money?" 

"Har har" Says Dean taking another step back, eyes never leaving the snake.

Castiel smiles "What's the problem?" 

Dean waves his hands in front of him, a gesture begging Cas not to come nearer to him "I really don't like 'um"

"Not all snakes, I hope?" Dean looked up from the snake to meet Castiel's eyes. Castiel grinned "Was rather hoping to introduce you to mine later" He winked at Dean, secretly loving the shocked expression on his face "Not sure I want to now, not sure you could handle it" 

"No. I know what you're doing Cas... Just no" 

"Oh come on Dean, you'll regret it if you don't" 

"No, nope. Not happening" 

"Not even one of the really tiny ones?"

Dean huffed, muttering "For fuck sake" Under his breath before shrugging and saying "Fine" 

The snake around Castiel's neck is put back in its tank by the keeper and Dean is shown the tank with the baby snakes. He pulls a face. 

"Just think of it as a stylish worm," Says Castiel smiling "You'll be fine" 

"An evil worm more like" Mutters Dean squirming slightly as the tiny snake is put into his hands... Almost ten seconds pass and Dean turns to look at Cas "Alright, I've held it... that counts right? Can I put it back now?" 

 

Castiel chuckles at Dean's cuteness and nods, the keeper takes the baby snake back from his hands and Dean does a full body shudder "Snakes, ugh!" 

***

Half An Hour Later

Castiel looks at Dean, shaking his head "How is it, you were scared to hold a snake, like ten times smaller than this, but a baby crocodile is fine? It looks like a snake with legs" 

Dean shrugs "I don't know, maybe because I didn't have a crocodile related incident when I was young... And just look at this little guy" Says Dean smiling at the tiny croc in his hands...  

Dean holds the tiny baby croc up between his fingers and suddenly turns to Cas an odd expression of fear on his face as he says a low voice "You bred raptors?" 

Castiel laughs, leaving it a few moments before asking "What was the 'snake incident' then?" 

"I went to a friends house after school one day, and his older brother had a python, It was new, I didn't even know they had one... We were playing video games and I was sat on the couch, totally distracted by this game, I didn't even notice when he came in with it... He let it slide over the back of the couch, right near my face and it fucking hissed into my ear..." 

Castiel is trying to keep a straight face "So what did you do?" He asks

"What do you mean, what did I do? I shit myself and ran halfway down the fucking street... Eventually, my mate caught up and told me it was a pet... But Jesus... It was huge Cas... And right near my face..." Dean rubs a hand over his throat absently, still cradling the baby croc in the other "Ever since then, me and snakes... I'm not a fan" 

"Well you faced your fears today," Said Castiel "Good for you, sorry if I was being pushy about it, I was only half serious"

"I know, it's fine. Don't worry about it" Smiled Dean "You want a go?" He says holding out the baby croc

Castiel smiled, his face lighting up with excitement "Yes!" 

***

Being in a glass tank, with huge crocodiles swimming around him is scary... But as far as Castiel was concerned... Far more amazing than scary. And what makes it more amazing is being there with Dean, not needing a moment of fear to reason hand holding, they can touch and hold hands freely. Castiel watches with the excitement of a child on Christmas as the crocs swim close by... Jumping as they breach the water and snap their powerful jaws around whatever meat the keepers are feeding them to bring them closer to the tank. 

 

"Which was your favorite?" Asks Dean as they make their way back to their hotel "Crocs or Sharks?" 

"Both were amazing..." Says Castiel "But I think I like the Croc's better, for two reasons, firstly; it felt safer, more of a controlled environment and secondly... this," He says grabbing hold of Dean's hand and squeezing it "To be able to do that... felt really good" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crocosaurus Cove, is a real place - that frankly - looks AWESOME 
> 
> http://www.crocosauruscove.com/
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9r3BYjbwVM4


	16. Come Fly With Me

Months passed by and they traveled to many beautiful, sunkissed places, they abseiled down a waterfall in Maui, Hawaii. Swam with and fed stingrays, in Moorea Lagoon, French Polynesia. They had a dinner date under the Eiffel Tower in France.

Dean had kept things running smoothly between himself and Castiel since they'd got together, he had wanted on numerous occasions to tell Cas that he loved him... But he'd held back, he didn't want Castiel to feel guilt or worry about what would happen to Dean... after. He felt like taking that step, saying 'I love you' might be pushing some invisible line of acceptance of their relationship for Castiel. He just wanted them to enjoy being together now... And although the thought of losing Castiel terrified him, and although Castiel had been taking things a lot slower the past few weeks and taking more naps... There was nowhere Dean wanted to be more, than by his side... 

They had few problems, fewer arguments. Both always seemed on a mission to outdo the other in being thoughtful, doing things to make the other happy, which then... made them happy too. To an outsider, Dean guessed that their relationship would be disgusting, it was the kind of sickly happy thing you only saw in movies. It was the kind of thing that drew out the envy in other people.

And when a guy had had a hard time in France, taking no as an answer from Castiel, Dean had stepped in. The guy had left with a black eye and Dean was rewarded with a back alley blow job. All in all, good times.   

    

Castiel had felt sick one evening, while they had been out together and had told Dean to go back to the hotel party because he didn't want him to miss out, just because he felt a bit sick... 

Dean's response had been to tell Castiel to 'Shut up, as the only way I'd be missing anything is if I wasn't right here, with you' 

***

They spent most of December at Castiel's father's house and Chuck took to Dean right away, welcoming him into his home with an unexpected hug and showing them to Castiel's old room, which was now a guest room. 

On Christmas Eve, Dean had fucked Castiel slow, being quiet so his father didn't hear was only half of it, he wanted to tell him in some way, that he loved him... So they had the kind of sex that left no doubt, slow rolling hips, passionate kisses, whispered sweet nothings, again, he'd held back the 'I love you' that had been on the tip of his tongue...  They had celebrated Christmas with lots of food and drinks and played family games. Dean and Castiel had exchanged gifts, Dean had bought Castiel a new camera and Castiel had bought Dean an expensive leather jacket. 

*** 

January 23, In Africa

"We aren't going to climb Mount Kilimanjaro Dean," Said Castiel 

"Seriously? Seeing Mount Kilimanjaro is like a really popular bucket list thing" Said Dean as he followed Castiel back into their hotel room "I thought you would have loved that"

Castiel turned away from Dean, hiding a smirk as he opened the hotel door with the keycard "I don't know that I have the energy for climbing you and a mountain and if it's one or the other... Well..." He threw a wink over his shoulder at Dean. 

Dean chuckled as he followed Castiel into their hotel room, stopping when he spotted a box, brightly wrapped on the coffee table "Ah" He said "Thought I'd got away with that"

Castiel scoffs "You can't force me to celebrate my birthday and not expect payback, Mr. Winchester" 

Dean sits down on the couch in front of the coffee table. Castiel sits opposite him, a small smile on his face. Dean eyes Castiel with suspicion, before ripping into the wrapping paper on the box in front of him. It felt light, almost as though it was empty... 

As Dean unfolds the box lid, a green helium balloon rises, a string flowing up through the air that Dean catches, to read the note attached to it

' _Happy Birthday Fatman! Come fly with me. Floozy X'_

Dean looks from the note to Castiel, his expression changing from confused to excited "A hot air balloon?" 

Castiel smiles, the excitement in Dean's face warming his heart he nods "Flying Dean... Being awesome and flying" 

"Fuck, I love you," The words spill from his lips before he even thinks to stop them. He freezes, looking slightly pink-cheeked. 

Castiel had flinched in shock, but it was only for a split second... He was with Dean, Dean was his boyfriend... Just because Castiel was dying, didn't mean he couldn't love... 

"I love you too," He said softly 

Dean looked up at him, his features relaxing "You do?"

"Of course I do," Says Castiel as though it was the most obvious thing in the world... Because now that he'd said it, now that he'd actually said the words out loud... He realized they had been true for a long, long time "I've seen many amazing things, but nothing amazes me more... Than you, Dean Winchester"

Dean leans forward to meet Castiel's lips, resting his hands softly on Castiel's hips. 

"The balloon ride is tomorrow, but I couldn't wait to give you your present... it's an early start, five am" Says Castiel "So we should get whatever we need to take, ready tonight and get an early night" 

"How about we just stay in today then? Watch a movie online and chill?" Says Dean

"Sounds good, did you have a movie in mind?"

Dean smiles "We're going on a Safari balloon ride over Africa... it's gonna have to be the Lion King" 

***

Five am. It's still dark out as the jeep crunches to a halt over the crispy grass of the African planes. Dean and Castiel are practically bouncing with excitement, as they watch the controlled fire inflate the huge balloon.  

(Tanzania Luxury Balloon Safari)

"Oh this is going to be so awesome," Said Dean as he helped Castiel climb into the basket, before jumping in next to him. 

The balloon lifted off the ground and Dean and Castiel gave each other excited smiles, they rose up slowly and steadily. Looking out over the planes below they could see the lit up patches of water, as the sun wakes up and it's beams make the water glow. Dean turns to Castiel and whispers... 

"Everything the light touches" 

Castiel narrows his eyes and whispers back. 

"I laugh in the face of danger" Dean's proud smile, makes Castiel laugh. 

As they look down over the side, binoculars hanging around their necks, Castiel pulls out his new camera and starts taking pictures of a herd of zebras, that are eating grass. Some playful younger ones chasing each other around and some bigger ones seeming to be on 'guard duty', keep an eye out for predators.

The balloon guide keeps telling the group what they are seeing and some facts about the animals as they glide over them. Telling them interesting stories of specific hunts he'd witnessed, like the time a baby buffalo got caught between a pack of lionesses and crocodile as it tried to have a drink, and how the herd of buffalo came back to take on the lions...  

Castiel practically shook Dean's arm out of its socket when he spotted a pride of Lion's bathing in the morning sunshine. They watched as a pair of cubs played and fought with each other in the dusty dry grass. 

"The lion is the second largest cat in the world. It is dwarfed slightly by the tiger, which is closely related and has a very similar body type. They live in groups, called pride's, of around thirty lions. A pride consists of up to three males, a dozen related females, and their young. They hunt mostly at night, and generally, it is the females that do the majority of the hunting"

They passed over a large pool and saw a huge group of Hippos, just their heads and backs breaking the surface of the water, occasionally flicking their ears to bat off annoying fly's. 

"The name hippopotamus means 'river horse' and they are generally considered the third largest land mammal, although they do spend large amounts of time in water such as rivers, lakes, and swamps. They even give birth in water. They are regarded as one of the most dangerous animals in Africa" Said the guide as they passed overhead.

They heard the thunderous hooves of hundreds of Wildebeest as the herd passed beneath the balloon and made their way to a nearby body of water for a drink, as the first few drew near to the edge, Castiel pointed out to Dean, to something gliding through water towards them and everyone in the basket gasped as a crocodile lunged up at one of the smaller Wildebeest missing it by a mere inch....

"Lucky guy" Said Dean watching, Castiel nodded. 

As they move on the guide points out a 'tower' (a group) of giraffes.

"Their extreme height allows them to eat leaves and shoots located much higher than other animals can reach. In particular, they seek out acacia trees. Their tongues are black to protect them from sunburn. The color of their tongues is an adaptation to their environment. Their tongues are out and exposed to the sun a large portion of the time. Since their tongues are approximately twenty inches in length, there is a lot of space to get a sunburn"

***

They get back to their hotel room and after enjoying a nice dinner, Dean finishing off what Castiel couldn't and they climbed into bed, another early night after a magical day.  

"Thank you, Cas" Dean kisses Castiel on the shoulder before lying back and pressing into his soft pillow. 

"For what?" Asks Castiel as he closes his sleepy eyes

"For the best birthday ever and... for being you"

Castiel hums softly "I love you, Dean"  

"I love you too" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Serengeti Hot Air Balloon Safari = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVT43AYUcl8
> 
> My Baby buffalo story - was based on a real video I saw on youtube... Check this out for 'Family doesn't end with blood' = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5U3gtsAqxTQ


	17. It's Your Body

"I think..." Said Castiel looking up at the ceiling as Dean absent-mindedly tickled circles around his nipple... "I'm going to add getting a tattoo, to my list..." 

Dean leans up on the bed to look at Castiel "Yeah?" Castiel nods "What are you gonna get?" 

Castiel laughed "I was thinking... something badass..." Dean grinned at him, and then Castiel added "You know... like a giraffe"

Dean laughs, rolling on to his back and making the bed shake "You are such a rebel, people will literally flee from you"

"I like giraffes," Said Castiel laughing "They don't take any shit, ya know?" 

Dean's face turns red as he struggles to draw in a breath. He rolls back onto his side and swings his leg up over Castiel, one arm holding him up on either side of Cas' face... 

"I'm not really going to get a giraffe, I do like them though... But I have something else in mind" 

"I have something else in mind too," He says lowering his head to kiss and nibble at Castiel's ear.

It was their first full day in Algarve, Portugal they'd arrived late the day before, they had shared a shower and then gone straight to bed, together. Dean had helped peel Castiel out of his top, pants, and underwear... And then sponged him down under the cool spray of the shower, kissing into his shoulder as he pressed against him from behind to soap his chest. They'd explored each other with their mouths and hands and when they had finally dropped into bed, after drying off, fell asleep happy and coming down from post handjob orgasms.

***

"Ready?" Asked Dean holding out his hand to Castiel, who nodded taking Dean's hand and carefully stepping off the pier and on to the boat, which wobbled slightly as he stepped on board. 

He smiled at Dean as he sat down next to him. Dean leaned over him, pressing a kiss to his lips as he clicked his seat belt into place for him, then he fastened his own. 

The guide was brilliant and gave short informative details at each of the numerous stops. They cruised the coast and caves traveling to and from the deep water where the Dolphins were hoped to be found. They had been on the water for about an before they were suddenly surrounded by a huge pod of Dolphins who swam around, under and in front of the boat. The Dolphins raced along the side of the boat, drawing 'oohs' and 'aahs' from the spectators as they jumped clear of the waves.

Castiel snapped as many pictures as he could, while Dean watched from beside him. Some dolphins jumped so close to the boat that the people sitting on that side were splashed with cool sea water, no one seemed to mind though, laughing and clapping. 

 

***

After an exciting morning on the waves, and dinner at a beach restaurant. Castiel and Dean went in search of a tattoo shop. Dean dragged Castiel out of the first shop they looked at... 

"That place was disgusting," Said Dean as he looked back at it over his shoulder, before turning to face Castiel "I feel like I need to bathe in purel now, we can find you somewhere better to get some ink Cas, trust me..." Castiel nodded

They walked down the busy market street until Dean spotted another tattoo shop. They enter the small shop and are hit by a strong smell of cleaning chemical's, which Castiel takes as a good sign. Dean smiles as he looks about and gives Castiel an encouraging smile "This place looks much better" 

"Hey, there" A man appears from behind a doorway that leads into a back room and smiles at them "How are you guys doing today?"

His smiley face and friendly attitude seals the deal for Castiel who smiles "Great, thank you. Do you happen to have any free time coming up?" 

The man looks at Castiel "Are you sure what you want?"

"Er... Yeah" Says Castiel 

"Well, I only ask because I actually have a couple of hours free now, last minute cancellation... If you're sure what you want" 

"Oh, that's great!" Says Castiel enthusiastically and Dean takes a seat as Castiel begins to explain to the tattooist what he wants.

"Well, that shouldn't take to long at all," He says pulling out a folder he places it on the desk "Would you like to have a look at these and pick a font? I'll just go and get set up"   

Castiel takes the folder and sits down next to Dean, together they look through and quickly pick one out together. 

"That will look awesome," Says Dean getting up to follow Castiel into the backroom. The tattooist has a seat set up for Dean to sit at and watch, Castiel shows the man which font he likes and the man writes out his quote in the same style on a special piece of paper. Castiel sits down in the chair and holds out his arm, his arm is cleaned and the tattoo artist uses what looks like tracing paper to leave an outline of the tattoo on his skin and after asking him if its position is alright, picks up the needle and with a nod from Castiel, begins. 

The buzzing sound of the needle begins before it even touches Castiel's skin and he braces for whatever pain he is about to endure, but thankfully it's not as bad as he had imagined, more of an annoying tickle. It doesn't take the tattoo artist very long to trace the words Castiel had chosen into his skin, he keeps wiping away the tiny droplets of blood and sharpening up the letters until he is happy with how they look, then he looks up at Castiel with a smile...

"You're all done," Says the tattooist as he wipes over the fresh tattoo "That do you alright?" Castiel smiles nodding "Good stuff, now... do you know about the aftercare?" 

Castiel shakes his head as he looks down at his arm, he turns to look at the man and says "Not really" 

"Ok, its nothing complicated, but it is important to avoid infection. Leave the bandage on for a few hours. Then wash your hands, thoroughly. Remove the bandage and gently wash the tattoo with fragrance-free soap and water. Pat your skin dry with a soft cloth and apply a small amount of petroleum ointment to the tattoo. You can keep the bandage off at this point to let your skin breathe"

"Thank you very much," Says Castiel, as he pays. 

Castiel walks over to Dean, holding out his arm for him to inspect.

"It's really great Cas," Says Dean smiling at him as he reads the words inked into his arm... 'If you're too afraid to fall... you will never fly' 

(Castiel's tattoo font ^ )

***

Castiel stripped down to his boxers, turning the air conditioning on to a lower setting he got into bed, hugging against Dean tightly and pressing warm kisses to his lips, before turning back on to his back and closing his eyes. 

"Dean," Mumbled Castiel as sleep came to claim him "Would you mind... If we just, stayed here for a while? I'm getting sick of flying every week..." 

"How long do you want to stay?" Asked Dean softly, as alarms began to sound in his head.

"Just a few months... Then we'll do London. Ok?" Sighed Cas sleepily.

Dean kept his concern hidden as he agreed, he pressed a kiss into Castiel's forehead and watched him fall asleep. Dean lie's awake for a long while, listening to Castiel's soft breathing next to him, thinking of things he couldn't say out loud. Like how Castiel's eyes had started to tinge yellowish, or how they had tired dark circles under them no matter how much sleep he got. Or how his belt now fastened two holes tighter than it had six months ago... He was still gorgeous as far as Dean was concerned, but these little things he'd started to notice, brought sharply into focus what he'd been trying to ignore for the past fourteen months... He angrily blinked tears out of his eyes, wiping his face before turning over and forcing his eyes closed in an effort to bring sleep to him. 

When he does finally sleep, his dreams are plagued with visions of Castiel collapsing, being rushed to the hospital and being hooked up to a machine, that breathed for him... He cries out as the machine is switched off... Calling out to his dead lover...

Castiel wakes to the sounds of crying and his own name being mumbled in the darkness. He turns over to see Dean, eyes closed, shaking and jerking in his sleep.  

Castiel gulps as it dawns on him with heartbreaking realization that Dean is dreaming about him... Dying. He takes a deep breath before gently shaking Dean awake, the man shouldn't have to live that more than once, even if it is only a dream.

"Dean, I'm right here, I'm here" He whispers as Deans eyes fly open in a panic, his heart is racing, his eyes are wet... He grabs on to Castiel and holds onto him while his body begins to calm from its shaking and his breathing slows slightly as he buries his face into Castiel's neck...

"You're still here" He breaths out... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dolphin Watching and Cave Tour: Algarve Coast
> 
> https://www.getyourguide.com/algarve-l66/2-hour-dolphin-watching-and-cave-tour-algarve-coast-t16182/?referrer_view_id=522041a11f67e954b185f983a814d357&referrer_view_position=2


	18. A Song To Say Goodbye

It'd been weeks since Dean had woken up in a cold sweat and cried as he clung to Castiel. He'd refused to talk about it. And knowing there was nothing he could do, Castiel had let it go... What could he do? Tell Dean it was only a dream and that everything would be alright? He'd allowed Dean to keep it to himself. He'd held him as long as he needed and told him over and over, how much he loved him. 

***

Life in Portugal had gone on, Castiel's tattoo had healed well and he was very fond of it, Dean liked it too, telling him often that it looked hot. They had spent many evenings walking barefoot along the shore, their feet feeling the cool lap-lapping of the sea as it washed over them. They had spent nights staring up at the stars, lay on sandy sunloungers, their hands joined in the space between the furniture. Castiel's sleeping pattern was messed up, like a newborn baby he slept in chunks of time, rather than in one large block. He ate small irregular meals and his face, although tanned from the Portuguese sun was starting to look slightly gaunt. Dean hadn't pushed him on the eating, but he had insisted on regular water stops and encouraged him to take multivitamins every day to make up for the lack of solid food.  

Castiel took them, not because he thought there was any point but because Dean thought there was and if swallowing a small tablet would soothe Dean's growing anxiety for a while... He'd do it. 

***

One afternoon as they walked slowly through the marketplace, listening to the sunny tunes of a steel drum playing pleasantly nearby, Castiel stopped in his tracks, spotting something ahead. 

"Dean...?" 

"Yeah?" Asked Dean turning quickly to look at him, instantly on alert for signs that Cas needed help.

"I really want to hear you sing again..." Castiel said smiling softly as he pointed to a pub with a huge sign for 'Karaoke' in the window. 

"Only if you do" Said Dean relaxing.

"I can't sing" 

"I'll be the judge of that" Smiled Dean "Why don't you sing that song you've humming along too for the past few weeks?" 

"That one from Burlesque?" Said Castiel, unconvinced "That's not a... er, it's not exactly a cheerful song" 

"So, if you like it, who cares what anyone else thinks?" Said Dean defensively 

"Do you even know the song?" Asked Castiel amused

"No, that's why I want to hear it"

"Okay" 

***

A few hours later and they are back at the bar where Castiel had spotted the karaoke sign. Deans got a shandy and Castiel had a water, these days alcohol makes him sick. Dean had offered to go without, but Castiel wouldn't hear of it, so Dean had gone for a shandy that was more lemonade than larger.  Castiel smiles when Dean gets up to sing.  

Dean casts a few nervous glances over the room as the music kicks in, before turning to watch the screen for the lyrics he knew by heart so he didn't have to look at anyone else... He couldn't look at Cas right now, not as he sang this song, not as he sang this song... to him. Meeting his eyes would make everything harder, he focused on the screen and powered through, who would have thought, that singing a song would be the hardest thing Dean Winchester would ever have to do? His throat catches a few times and he blinks rapidly to bat away budding tears, he shifts on the spot uncomfortably... He can feel Castiel watching him... 

"I just want to see you  
When you're all alone  
I just want to catch you if I can  
I just want to be there  
When the morning light explodes  
On your face, it radiates  
I can't escape  
I love you 'till the end  
  
I just want to tell you nothing  
You don't want to hear  
All I want is for you to say  
Why don't you just take me  
Where I've never been before  
I know you want to hear me  
Catch my breath  
I love you 'till the end  
I love you 'till the end  
  
I love you 'till the end  
I love you 'till the end  
  
I just want to be there  
When we're caught in the rain  
I just want to see you laugh not cry  
I just want to feel you  
When the night puts on its cloak  
I'm lost for words don't tell me  
Cause all I can say  
I love you 'till the end"

When he finishes he hurries to hand the microphone back to the Dj and rushes back to his seat barely noticing the enthusiastic applause, following his chilling performance.

As he finds his seat again, Castiel's hand suddenly covers his own and he looks up as it squeezes down on his fingers comfortingly. A thousand words pass between them in a single glance and Dean is grateful he doesn't have to attempt speech at that moment. 

When it's Castiel's turn, he is momentarily shocked by how scared he feels... He scoffs at himself, whats the worst that could happen? He is already dying... Shaking himself and standing up, he walks up to Dj and accepts the microphone being held out to him... Turning to face the room, his eyes find Deans and he mentally retreats into the safety of his stare, the music starts, Cas brings the microphone up to his lips and begins to sing...     

"Feeling broken  
Barely holding on  
But there's just something so strong  
Somewhere inside me  
And I am down but I'll get up again  
Don't count me out just yet  
I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking  
But I can take it  
I'll be back  
Back on my feet  
This is far from over  
You haven't seen the last of me  
You haven't seen the last of me  
   
They can say that  
I won't stay around  
But I'm gonna stand my ground  
You're not gonna stop me  
You don't know me  
You don't know who I am  
Don't count me out so fast  
   
I've been brought down to my knees  
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking  
But I can take it  
I'll be back  
Back on my feet  
This is far from over  
You haven't seen the last of me  
   
There will be no fade out  
This is not the end  
I'm down now  
But I'll be standing tall again  
Times are hard but  
I was built tough  
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of  
   
I've been brought down to my knees  
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking  
But I can take it  
I'll be back  
Back on my feet  
This is far from over  
I am far from over  
You haven't seen the last of me  
   
No no  
I'm not going nowhere  
I'm staying right here  
Oh no  
You won't see me begging  
I'm not taking my bow  
Can't stop me  
It's not the end  
You haven't seen the last of me  
Oh no  
You haven't seen the last of me  
You haven't seen the last of me"

The song strikes every raw emotional nerve and by the end, his eyes are streaming and he is holding his head in his hand. Dean crosses the room, gently takes the microphone from him and passes it back to the Dj, before guiding him out of the bar...  

Leading Castiel toward the beach, Dean takes his hand and says "I am so fucking sorry, I didn't realize it would upset you... you sounded great though if it's any consolation?" 

"It's not... It's not your fault Dean" Says Castiel sitting down on the sandy beach, Dean sitting beside him... "It's just, I am going somewhere. I know things are going to go bad... probably soon," Castiel sighed deeply as he rested against Dean's side "I wish we could just stay here, live in this day..."

"I know," Says Dean kissing the top of his head "I wish for that too" 

"Dean," Castiel sits slowly up and looks at Dean "I just... I want you to know" 

"Don't..." Says Dean pleadingly "Please don't" 

"What?"

"If this is some kind of 'goodbye speech'" Said Dean his face searching Castiel's with sadness. 

"Just... I have to, I just have to tell you, you have to know... I just want you to be happy. If you get the chance to be happy with someone else..." 

"Jesus, Cas!" Dean digs in his pocket, this conversation was going to need some herbal assistance, he pulls out the slightly bent spliff he'd rolled earlier. Castiel has been smoking one each night for a while. The pain gets worse at night and he needed something to help him sleep. 

"I want you to," Says Castiel determined to get out what he wants to say "You have to much love to give to never have it with anyone else... after" 

Dean doesn't respond, he just sniffs slightly before putting the spliff between his lips and lighting it, he takes a couple of quick drags before holding it out to Castiel without looking at him... Then he mutters "I hear you. I have no idea what I'm meant to say... to what you said, but I want you to know I heard you" 

Castiel accepts the joint "Thank you" He says before taking a deep drag. Dean isn't sure what he's thanking him for, the joint or the acknowledgment of what he'd said... He doesn't care, he can't even think about ever being with anyone else right now. He definitely doesn't want to talk about it...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's song  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5kCqkQjAZk
> 
> Castiel's song  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kt4FcEC5GD4


	19. London Calling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me.

First stop when they hit the ground in the UK, was Liverpool and The Beatles Museum, Dean had mentioned his mother, who'd also passed away when he was young, like Castiel's, used to sing 'Hey Jude' to him every night and Castiel had changed their flights to land them at John Lennon Airport instead of London City Airport, to surprise him. 

Castiel didn't know a lot about the Beatles, so Dean was excitedly pointing things out to him and explaining them, all about the film Yellow Submarine and the blue meanies.  When they rounded a corner and Dean saw a jukebox with all the Beetles tracks on it, he puts a pound coin into the machine and listens as 'Hey Jude' starts to play, he sniffs and looks at Castiel, giving him a watery, tear-soaked smile. Castiel grabs him by the front of his leather jacket and pulls him toward him, Dean's forehead comes to rest on Castiel's chest and Castiel rests his chin on the top of Dean's head, hugging him and rubbing his back... 

***

The next day; after a long coach ride to London. Castiel gets his Jaffa Cakes. 

"Oh. My. Fucking. God" He says as he chews a mouthful of chocolatey-cakey-tangy-orangey goodness.

"Good?" Asks Dean amused. Castiel just holds the box out to him, apparently at a lost for words... Dean takes one of the round little cakes. He sniffs it, which makes Castiel snort out a laugh at him and then he takes a small bite... 

He turns and frowns at Castiel "Holy Jaffa Cakes Batman" He says nodding as he stuffs the rest of it into his mouth greedily "Ugh, so good"  

*** 

  

The next morning, they wake up early. Early enough to get the hotels free Full English Breakfast anyway. They decide to get one between them and share it, as Castiel's appetite has all but left him now. He and Dean lean over the small table and eat together in comfortable silence... Castiel lets Dean devour the black pudding which frankly... Looks like a cooked cow pat... 

*** 

They leave the hotel to go and see Big Ben, and Castiel looks up at it... frowning... "I kinda expected it to be bigger..." 

"Yeah," Says Dean screwing up his face against the sunlight as he looks up at the giant clock "But... It's not the size..."

Castiel laughs "It's called Big Ben... If it was called... Average-sized Ben... Fine. I guess it was considered big when it was first built though..."

Dean laughs "What next? London Eye?" 

"Can we take a break?" Says Castiel spotting a bench nearby... 

"Sure," Says Dean and he wraps his arm around Castiel's shoulder as they sit down "You alright?" 

"Just wanted a little break... I'll be fine Dean" He smiles at him reassuringly.

"Fancy some English fish and chips for lunch?" Says, Dean, as he spots a chippy across the road.

"Okay, but I won't eat many Dean..." Says Castiel starting to get up from the bench they'd been sat at.  

"Hey, it's okay, I'll get them, you can stay sat down. Might see if they have any pie... Love me some pie..." Dean leans into Castiel's space, pecking a kiss to his lips "Though not quite as much as I love you"

"Love you too... and Dean"

"Yeah?"

"No vinegar"

Dean chuckles as he walks away. 

"Typical. No buses for an hour, and then two come along at once" Castiel looks up as he hears an old man complaining to his wife he passes the bench where Castiel is sitting. Castiel smiles at the couple, a flutter of envy twirls in his stomach as he notes, he will never reach their age, he won't get grow old with Dean... He looks past them, to the other side of the road to see Dean coming out of the fish and chip shop. Castiel wished he could grow old with him, maybe marry him, buy a house... Wouldn't that have been a nice life? He thinks to himself as he watches Dean.

Dean steps out of the chippy, a bag of fish and chips in his hands, a quick glance to the left and then he starts to cross the road. 

In a split second, Castiel took everything in... Dean looking the wrong way, the bus rounding the corner... His eyes widened and his heart clenched painfully as he got to his feet and screamed... 

"DEANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN" 

. . . . . . . . . . 

Castiel's shout was drowned out by the blast of the horn of a double-decker bus, Dean had looked the wrong way and stepped out into oncoming traffic... His and Castiel's eyes meet for a split second before the bag of chips bursts open and goes flying up into the air... The tires of the bus screech as it slams on the brakes... and Dean is swept under the front of the bus, dragged along until it finally comes to a stop... 

Time. 

Stands.

Still. 

***

All that time worrying about whether Dean was going to be ok when he died, he'd forgotten how fragile life was, how in an instant someone's light can be snuffed out... Some get the warning, they get time... Some, just get taken... There one moment, gone the next... He'd never in his worst nightmares, even... dreamt that he'd have to endure life without Dean... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE BEATLES - HEY JUDE
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhXU8c8qwXs


	20. I Feel You, Are You There?

Castiel was sat at the very back of the room, in a smart black suit... He couldn't meet anyone's eye. He felt... more alone at this moment than he had ever felt before in his whole life... 'In the arms of an angel' by Sarah McLachlan started to play and Castiel looked to the door, a clenching feeling trapping his heart as he see's Dean's coffin being wheeled into the room...  A sudden frightening and overwhelming urge to get up and open the coffin grips at him, to know that Dean is really gone, to see him one last time.... To maybe be able to accept that this is real, this is happening... And to stop waiting to wake up.  

***

Ten Days Later

"Well, you're on my mind again" He sighs "Can't seem to get you out of my head, not really sure I even want to, having you there makes me feel less alone. The doctors have told me they think I have about two months left. I don't really want to wait that long... When I just want to..." He pressed his lips together tightly as emotion began to bubble up his throat... 

Fat and heavy tears begin to roll over his cheeks as he continues "And I am sick of hearing 'how brave' I am being, I'm not being brave, I'm just tired... I'm just... Ready. I just want it over now. I sold my apartment, my car, gave the money as a donation to 'Singer's Auto Repairs'" Castiel smiled "Your uncle is quite the character by the way. But he will be alright now, just so you know. You don't have to worry about him, he misses you though..." 

Castiel's face flushes red "I miss you too, in case there was any doubt" Castiel feels his throat tightening around his words "My bed doesn't smell like you, I miss that. Is that weird? To miss a smell? Well, anyway I do. I miss it so badly, Dean... Sometimes, I'll wake up and for a moment, it's like I can feel you in bed next to me, like you're still here, like I can feel the warmth from where you should be" 

He swallows "You should be here. You should be here..." Anger erupts through his veins "It's not fucking fair!!" He yells, dragging his hands through his hair "I feel like... Dying alone is some kind of test I have to pass... and you were my version of 'cheating' and you've been taken away from me... And now... I don't know the answer, I don't know how to do this alone... I just don't fucking know anything. No, that's not true... I know you deserved better. You deserved longer... More" 

"I know we were... together. But It feels like I stole you. Like if we hadn't met, you'd still be alive, you'd live to a ripe old age... I feel like I stole you away from your family... and there's nothing I can do to make it right" 

Castiel shakes his head "Ugh, shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!" He shouts at himself as he punches his fist into the wall... Coming to a halt when the skin on his knuckles cracks and bleeds. He rests his forehead against the wall, watching tears rain down to the ground... "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Dean" He sobs "And... I love you. I love you so fucking much. It hurts, like... worse than anything I have ever felt..." ' _and I'm dying from cancer'_ He thinks to himself.

Needing air, Castiel grabs his jacket and walks out of his father's house.  He wipes his face on the back of his sleeve and heads for the nearby park. Coming to a stop when he reaches a water fountain with an angel statue in the center, he looks at it, as though expecting answers "I don't know when or how, but I know I'll find you, I know I will see you again," Said Castiel quietly, he sighs, lips quivering from holding back tears, "You said you wouldn't leave me, you said you weren't going anywhere. Dean..." He chokes out Dean's name with every raw emotion clawing at his insides... "Please, please... come back... I need you"

The statue offers no comfort, no answers. He turns away from it and begins his walk along the cold street, shoulders hunched forward and hands in his pockets. Coming to a halt again and frowning at something that had fluttered to the ground in front of his face, he kneels down, a single tiny white feather... Standing up again, his lips part with a silent gasp as he looks up, dozens of tiny white feathers, swimming through the sky toward him... 

_'The epic set of wings I would have'_ Dean's voice pierced his memory as the tiny white feathers danced in the air like snowflakes all around him... Dean was still with him... He just knew it. He was here, he was everywhere... 

Castiel pulled out his list from his pocket, scanning down the page until he saw it, there it was... He knew what he had to do, to be near Dean again...  

***

Castiel got onto the plane, his thoughts wired as it took off. He missed Dean, but he was about to be as close to him as he could get whilst still alive. Yes, Dean had a grave, but he wasn't in the ground. Not really. Castiel knew... There was no tying a soul like that down, Dean was in the sky, in the air, in everything, he was traveling in the wind, free.

_'Free as a bird'_

Castiel closed his eyes, as he heard Dean's voice in his head once again and a stinging tear spilled over the lid, crashing down his cheek...

He looked out of the tiny window and whispered to the sky "You died on a Monday. Just another Monday, in a sea of days we'd spent together, a day that was neither special nor stood out, just... a Monday. It was neither sunny or raining, neither hot or cold... It was like the world knew, it was losing something that day and that the loss made it that little bit less special, it wasn't dark or stormy... it was just... dull. Dull, without you.

I use to try to believe that everything happened for a reason, but I don't, not anymore. I don't think I met you, because some higher power wanted us to meet. I don't believe it was written in the stars. I think I met you because I got lucky. I think meeting you, was what made me the luckiest person in the world... If I hadn’t had cancer I would have been a very dull person. But because of it, I’ve become a much braver, much naughtier. If I hadn't had cancer, I may not have met you, so this curse that is going to end my life... also, made it... 

You seemed to lend your energy to whatever you touched, making the most mundane things shine. You made me shine, you gave me confidence when I had none, you made me, unafraid... of the end. Because you always promised me, you'd be there, at the time I thought, I thought you meant you'd be by my side when my time was up... But now..." Castiel wiped his face and smiled sadly "Now I know, you meant for the end, the endless time after... I know you're waiting for me, and I can't wait to see your face again, but I made you a promise, not to just go on... But, to LIVE, so I am"

He felt a tap on his shoulder and shifted into position, then he felt a nudge and he pushed himself forward, feeling the rush of air against his face as he began to fall... Flying through the air, the weight of his jump partner above him. The earth below... and Dean, all around him, touching his face in the wind...

Castiel passed away, peacefully in his sleep, with his father and stepmother by his side, two months and four days after Dean died. His body was laid to rest close to Dean's grave and his father had picked "Fly On" - Coldplay to be played at his funeral... Because now, he was free... Free from pain, free from loneliness, free to find Dean, free to fly.

He'd skydived twice in the time between Dean's and his own death, saying he felt Dean with him, flying with him...

Flying Together.

 

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL CANCER QUOTES

“Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amidst joy.” – Felicia Hemans

“We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up or fight like hell.” – Lance Armstrong

“Cancer is a word, not a sentence.” – John Diamon

“Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway.” – Emory Austin 

“When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

“Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul.” – Jim Valvano

To anyone fighting their own battle, to anyone who has lost someone, to anyone who has been affected... Always Keep Fighting. You Are Not Alone. 

                                                        

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'In the arms of an angel' by Sarah McLachlan
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SiylvmFI_8
> 
> "Fly On" - Coldplay
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ap-HeMIKi-c&list=PL-zHYvFyosVvP-3_6VNrvl8GJ46cpMmtP&index=31


End file.
